I wanted to move here and I have a cosy flat now that is furnished. I live in a great area. My son is going to a good school. I have started work and can walk to work rather than have to commute for hours. The students I teach are keen to learn unlike in my old job. An ex-colleague who I fancied for so long has started to show interest and has been calling me and being really kind. We’ve been on two dates so far. So why do I still feel so low. Why do I have this sadness in the pit of my stomach that won’t go away? Why am I dreading going into work tomorrow and why am I so irritated with my son? Is it because I thought moving cities would take away all the pain and hurt? Is it because my expectations were too high of my new life? Is it because I am impatient and want things to happen too quickly? Is it because I had an awful dream that literally left a horrible taste in my stomach? Is it because I have no friends and left all my friends behind? Is it because this is all too much for me at my age?
I don’t have all the answers to the questions above but I know that writing it all down here helps me to unravel it all. I feel like crying, deep, deep inside and I just want to be left alone. I don’t feel good. I feel bad that I am not being a happy mother for my son but smiling feels inauthentic. Is it a choice really, to stay here in this feeling? Can I choose to leave? Since I have moved, it has been so up and down. Big highs and big lows. I am still unsettled I know and this is a transition stage. On Saturday I walked through the streets of London and felt an amazing sense of the freedom and vibrance of the place as I listened to the street performances and walked passed street markets and people dressed in clothes that expressed their individuality. On Thursday I had an incredible high while teaching (for the first time in five years, students who were focussed on my lesson and receptive). Yet, still beneath it all is a sadness that scrapes away at my insides leaving me raw and aching on the inside.
I struggle to bring myself back to the present each moment and try to capture the good moments and hold them close. The reasons for me being here and the knowledge of my strength. It’s like a battle raging within between the now and before. The feelings seems out of context with the reality. I brought about this change and I love being in London and for all the right reasons, so why are the feelings still there, holding me hostage? Old coping mechanisms that make me feel bad, guilty and small all the time. I am bold and confident and strong and I have choice and options and I am safe. Go away old feelings. Let me be happy and let me live in the now. I don’t need to be small anymore.
My default mode is to feel bad about feeling bad and to feel that there is something deeply wrong and flawed with me to feel this way. I try to stay here in this place and be gentle with me at the same time. Such a hard place to stand even for a little time. I spent over thirty years chasing away and denying and repressing, feelings are hard to feel. They feel like death like I will be overwhelmed. My logical thinking shuts down and my stronger self is nowhere to be found. The smallness takes over.
I struggle to hold onto that permanent essence that part of me that can rise above the darkness. I need my inner mother to fan the flames that feel like someone has poured water all over. I remind myself that I am ok and this feeling is not my truth. It will pass and I will feel strong again because I have been here so many times before. Thank you for reading.