Go away old feelings!!

I wanted to move here and I have a cosy flat now that is furnished. I live in a great area. My son is going to a good school. I have started work and can walk to work rather than have to commute for hours. The students I teach are keen to learn unlike in my old job.  An ex-colleague who I fancied for so long has started to show interest and has been calling me and being really kind.  We’ve been on two dates so far. So why do I  still feel so low. Why do I have this sadness in the pit of my stomach that won’t go away? Why am I dreading going into work tomorrow and why am I so irritated with my son? Is it because I thought moving cities would take away all the pain and hurt? Is it because my expectations were too high of my new life? Is it because I am impatient and want things to happen too quickly? Is it because I had an awful dream that literally left a horrible taste in my stomach? Is it because I have no friends and left all my friends behind? Is it because this is all too much for me at my age?

I don’t have all the answers to the questions above but I know that writing it all down here helps me to unravel it all. I feel like crying, deep, deep inside and I just want to be left alone. I don’t feel good. I feel bad that I am not being a happy mother for my son but smiling feels inauthentic. Is it a choice really, to stay here in this feeling? Can I choose to leave? Since I have moved, it has been so up and down. Big highs and big lows. I am still unsettled I know and this is a transition stage. On Saturday I walked through the streets of London and felt an amazing sense of the freedom and vibrance of the place as I listened to the street performances and walked passed street markets and people dressed in clothes that expressed their individuality. On Thursday I had an incredible high while teaching (for the first time in five years, students who were focussed on my lesson and receptive). Yet, still beneath it all is a sadness that scrapes away at my insides leaving me raw and aching on the inside.

I struggle to bring myself back to the present each moment and try to capture the good moments and hold them close. The reasons for me being here and the knowledge of my strength. It’s like a battle raging within between the now and before. The feelings seems out of context with the reality. I brought about this change and I love being in London and for all the right reasons, so why are the feelings still there, holding me hostage? Old coping mechanisms that make me feel bad, guilty and small all the time. I am bold and confident and strong and I have choice and options and I am safe. Go away old feelings. Let me be happy and let me live in the now. I don’t need to be small anymore.
My default mode is to feel bad about feeling bad and to feel that there is something deeply wrong and flawed with me to feel this way. I try to stay here in this place and be gentle with me at the same time. Such a hard place to stand even for a little time. I spent over thirty years chasing away and denying and repressing, feelings are hard to feel. They feel like death like I will be overwhelmed. My logical thinking shuts down and my stronger self is nowhere to be found. The smallness takes over.

I struggle to hold onto that permanent essence that part of me that can rise above the darkness. I need my inner mother to fan the flames that feel like someone has poured water all over. I remind myself that I am ok and this feeling is not my truth. It will pass and I will feel strong again because I have been here so many times before. Thank you for reading.


18 thoughts on “Go away old feelings!!

  1. You have to build a ‘family’ all over again. It takes time. The highs and lows will be easier to manage once you have that support to balance it. I’d come for a spot tea and a hug if I could. That’s all you need. A hug. You will make friends soon. That will help. XXOO

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Dear Heavy Secrets:
    I am so happy to hear all your good news. I feel that you can be very very proud of pulling off so many good changes in your life. May I try to give voice to the bad feelings that seem to stay with you, no matter what? To me, they sound like sad, lonely, scared little children. I would like to send them hugs. I would like to tell them this:
    “When you were little, so many bad things happened. That was Then. This is Now. I am big and grown up and can listen to your needs and will love to love you and take care of you, so that you can grow up properly this time. You are my babies.”
    Sending with Big Hugs. TS

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you so much for your kind words and for giving voice, acknowledging and responding to the scared little girl within me. The change has really triggered old feelings for me and churned them all up in the form of bad dreams and a deep fear. I thank you again for your warmth and empathy and encouragement. It certainly helped me along. Sending a big hug back to you 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. This was very hard to read! I can feel your pain and struggle. I have moved away from everything and everyone I knew just to be and feel safe. And yet the feelings you described tortured me. I get what you are going through. I hope and pray for you that you can find friends. Well, at least one very good friend! For now you must be a friend to yourself. Keep your heart open and find things that you love so much that you have no recourse but to be drawn into the moment. You don’t want these feelings to keep you from seeing the possibilities or drag you so low you find yourself not living at all. Practice catching yourself, loving yourself, and knowing YOU are worth it!

    Liked by 4 people

  4. I think weekends can be hard.
    How about make weekends a time to bake something elaborate? You said once you love to bake. Draw your son in too. What do they eat in London? Crumpets, scones, puddings, tarts, the list goes on. I’ll get a ticket and be right there…

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I know the feeling and there myself. It’s hard to bounce back. Continue to create a new life for you and your son and move forward. It’s easier to look back. But it take courage to look forward. You are doing it!

    Liked by 2 people

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