I learnt today that being vulnerable and alone triggers old feelings of badness, that I have done something wrong, that I am small and helpless. That being alone means I am defective and strange. That in my aloneness I want to reach out but am afraid that I will be rejected. That being alone is a scary place I want to run from but that it is also familiar, a hiding place where I watch things happen and feel helpless. That it means I am not worthy of love and friendship to the little girl in me.

I know these are old feelings from an old time and that things are so different now, that I have chosen to be alone and that I divorced my husband because being alone is preferable to being abused and better than being in the wrong company. Of course I know these things on a conscious level. But the subconscious is so powerful and misleading regardless of how mismatched it is to reality. I listen to the old feelings but fight to stay whole and centred and not to be swallowed up by the old  story.

I fight them in my sleep and when I wake up, I fight them in the day and at night and I create a new aloneness which is about choice and space and enrichment and stillness. I will not stop fighting the darkness no matter how well it disguises itself and neither should you!


12 thoughts on “Aloneness

    • That is a coincidence isn’t it! I think it’s such an important topic, one which should be explored in depth. By facing what aloneness means to each of us; we can be stronger within ourselves, especially in a society filled with distraction and socialising just for the sake of not being alone. I am learning that aloneness is not a bad thing.

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  1. It is very hard to move to a new place and make a new life. I did that too when I left my first husband years ago. I went to a place where I didn’t know people, and I felt alone, which brought up a lot of feelings about not being cared for.

    I don’t know if it will help you, but one thing that helped me put things in perspective was to learn that when we move to a different place, on average it takes us 18 whole months for the new place to feel like “home”–for us to have familiar shops, neighbors we know (at least somewhat), and a sense that we belong there. During those 18 months, it can be rocky, sometimes novel and interesting and friendly, but sometimes we feel like we have no place and no one cares about us. When I read that this was a normal human experience, it helped me stop thinking there was something wrong with me that I felt alone or lonely, even though I had wanted to leave my husband. This is what transition can feel like.

    Whenever we go through hard things–divorce, a move, a loss–we need to be especially gentle and kind to ourselves. I hope you can find ways to do that. You’ve done so much. You’re doing so well. I loved your post about being a strong voice for your son when he was bullied. It seems like you are really on the road to creating a healthy and meaningful life for you and your son. It just takes a while to find the friendship circle that will help make that life rich and supported.

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    • Thank you so much for commenting and supporting. It makes me feel a lot less alien when you say that it takes 18 months. I have only been here 2 months so yes I need to be gentle and patient with myself. Yes it will take a while to build that inner circle and its better that I am selective rather than just filling my life with people who are not good for me. This alone time is valuable time for me to learn more and heal more.

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      • I like what you say: “valuable time for me to learn more and heal more.” It made me start thinking that maybe a lovely thing to do with the extra alone time would be to think about what you want in your life, and then intentionally go about building it. For example, if you love are a music lover, join a choir or an orchestra or find a new place that has live music you love. Or if you are a reader, see if the library or the city has book groups or lectures… anyway, I’m sure there is absolutely NO shortage of wonderful opportunities in London, so you can find whatever it is that you genuinely enjoy and where you can find people who will like the same kinds of things you do. I know a few people who are very intentional n that way, and I see it has done them good. I’ve tended to wait around for things to find me–not nearly as effective. Or I have just become a workaholic so I don’t have time for anything else. I’m slowly trying to change that.

        At any rate, I know transitions are challenging, in any setting. You have me rooting for you–and sending hugs back from the American Pacific Northwest.

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  2. The flip side of this for me is that when I step out from my aloneness I get frightened and feel that I am bad. I get scared and think that I need to stay small to be safe. Hidden and unseen. I hope that recognizing our old patterns will help us step out from them but I am continually disappointed with how hard it is — living fully without fear of retaliation and punishment.

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    • Yes I get what you are saying completely about the feeling frightened and bad and waning to stay safe and hidden. Such a natural and self-protecting instinct for a child who is being abused. But yes we are not children any longer; we are safe and the abuse is over. We are in control and no longer victims. I don’t think it will always be so hard, I think it is now as we try to rewire those pathways. Once that difficult work is done I believe and hope that it will get easier for us.

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