I learnt today that being vulnerable and alone triggers old feelings of badness, that I have done something wrong, that I am small and helpless. That being alone means I am defective and strange. That in my aloneness I want to reach out but am afraid that I will be rejected. That being alone is a scary place I want to run from but that it is also familiar, a hiding place where I watch things happen and feel helpless. That it means I am not worthy of love and friendship to the little girl in me.
I know these are old feelings from an old time and that things are so different now, that I have chosen to be alone and that I divorced my husband because being alone is preferable to being abused and better than being in the wrong company. Of course I know these things on a conscious level. But the subconscious is so powerful and misleading regardless of how mismatched it is to reality. I listen to the old feelings but fight to stay whole and centred and not to be swallowed up by the old story.
I fight them in my sleep and when I wake up, I fight them in the day and at night and I create a new aloneness which is about choice and space and enrichment and stillness. I will not stop fighting the darkness no matter how well it disguises itself and neither should you!