Hi to everyone! I haven’t been on here for a while and haven’t had a chance to read posts and comments as much as I would like to. Being a single mum and working full time in London is proving to be a challenge. The weeks are fast and furious with all I have to deal with on a daily basis and I have little time to myself.
I am enjoying my new job but my son is still struggling to settle at school. He has so much anger within him and I am at the receiving end of his tantrums many times a week. I am finding it hard to discipline him and I am ashamed to admit but I don’t like being around him much lately as it is a struggle to get him to do anything. I know it’s my poor parenting skills and all the struggles of moving to a new continent and having parents who are divorced but I sometimes think of how much is down to his personality too. He seems ungrateful and whiny or downright angry all the time.
He is at his dad’s this evening and I am enjoying his absence- what a horrible thing to say right? about my own son? But that’s how I feel. It’s the honest truth. I love him, but I don’t like who he is becoming and I feel like a failure as a mum. How can I expect him to control and manage his emotions appropriately when I am so bad at controlling my own and his dad is so bad too. Two parents from abusive homes with wounded inner children trying to parent a strong-willed 7 year old. Fuck it’s hard.
I am looking at other schools for my son because he seems so unhappy every morning, not himself, so quiet and pensive and I don’t think the pastoral care is great at his school. There are other options so am looking at them since it wasn’t my first choice for him.
I am tired, vulnerable, alone, dealing with so much at the moment, so of course I will be triggered and feel small and want to curl up into a ball and be small. Irrational thoughts have crossed my mind; like going back to my abusive ex. Maybe he will be different this time says the scared hopeful little girl in me who doesn’t want to be alone anymore and who is tired of being strong. He is on his best behaviour, bearing gifts and being the perfect gentleman. He hasn’t moved on and is the only one physically here for me. At my age it is so hard to break into new social circles; even harder for one who has childhood wounds and problems connecting. I struggle to get my strength back and stand in my centre.
I fight the exhaustion, the bad feelings inside, the urge to just give up. BUT The fire in me won’t die, I ran 5km last weekend for a charity fun run and I felt that fire within. I am going to start running and feel present again within myself and keep away from my ex even though I am so alone. I will keep fighting.
Thanks for reading.