Still here

rumi

Hi to everyone! I haven’t been on here for a while and haven’t had a chance to read posts and comments as much as I would like to. Being a single mum and working full time in London is proving to be a challenge. The weeks are fast and furious with all I have to deal with on a daily basis and I have little time to myself.

I am enjoying my new job but my son is still struggling to settle at school. He has so much anger within him and I am at the receiving end of his tantrums many times a week. I am finding it hard to discipline him and I am ashamed to admit but I don’t like being around him much lately as it is a struggle to get him to do anything. I know it’s my poor parenting skills and all the struggles of moving to a new continent and having parents who are divorced but I sometimes think of how much is down to his personality too. He seems ungrateful and whiny or downright angry all the time.

He is at his dad’s this evening and I am enjoying his absence- what a horrible thing to say right? about my own son? But that’s how I feel. It’s the honest truth. I love him, but I don’t like who he is becoming and I feel like a failure as a mum. How can I expect him to control and manage his emotions appropriately when I am so bad at controlling my own and his dad is so bad too. Two parents from abusive homes with wounded inner children trying to parent a strong-willed 7 year old. Fuck it’s hard.

I am looking at other schools for my son because he seems so unhappy every morning, not himself, so quiet and pensive and I don’t think the pastoral care is great at his school. There are other options so am looking at them since it wasn’t my first choice for him.

I am tired, vulnerable, alone, dealing with so much at the moment, so of course I will be triggered and feel small and want to curl up into a ball and be small. Irrational thoughts have crossed my mind; like going back to my abusive ex. Maybe he will be different this time says the scared hopeful little girl in me who doesn’t want to be alone anymore and who is tired of being strong. He is on his best behaviour, bearing gifts and being the perfect gentleman. He hasn’t moved on and is the only one physically here for me. At my age it is so hard to break into new social circles; even harder for one who has childhood wounds and problems connecting. I struggle to get my strength back and stand in my centre.

I fight the exhaustion, the bad feelings inside, the urge to just give up. BUT The fire in me won’t die, I ran 5km last weekend  for a charity fun run and I felt that fire within. I am going to start running and feel present again within myself and keep away from my ex even though I am so alone. I will keep fighting.

Thanks for reading.

 

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11 thoughts on “Still here

  1. Every mother needs breaks from her children to refresh, recharge and renew. Unfortunately as a mother on her own, your chance for them is much less. Enjoy every moment!!!!
    Good luck with finding a school that meets your sons needs.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Enjoy the break. I too feel guilty at times but we all need it. No one can be “on” at all times. It’s too much. Lots of changes for you in the last few years so it’s a lot to balance. Take care of yourself and you will be a better mum. It’s an exhausting job! 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I feel your frustration. Sometimes when parenting feels overwhelming, I just sit with my kids and paint or play a game. It is super hard to de everything as a single parent-my housework suffers. Good luck on the school search!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Sending love to you. You’re holding a lot. You really are. I wish I could help hold some of it for you. I’m tired lately (in my own way) and I find myself losing my patience with my kids. The other night I told them that lately the time from when they get off the bus to when they go to bed is really, really hard for me. They fight. They antagonize each other and they are masters at pushing my buttons. I said they have to make better choices about their behavior. I told them I don’t like being around them. (I did!) And with that, instead of engaging, I tell them I’m taking a break and I go to my bedroom and shut the door. And they yell at me and push back more. But the thing I’ve come to realize is this — It is not our job to take away their struggles or alleviate their discomforts. It’s our job to love them through them and to say, “Yes. this is really hard. It’s awful. Life is hard but you will, in fact, be okay. I know you will. It’s okay to feel crummy and scared and angry.” I feel compelled to tell you that you are not a bad mum at all. You made a decision for you and your son to move. Change is hard. Moving is hard and he may be struggling. But that’s normal. No child wouldn’t struggle with such a huge, huge change. Right? Even a child with parents who grew up in the best possible families would struggle. Don’t you think? You are a good mum. He’s bugging you right now. And that’s okay. Kids bug us and we need breaks. Reflect back — the change is hard but that’s normal. You are okay. I love you. And in time we will look back at this and say, “Wow! That was hard but look how far we’ve come and we’ll alway have our strength and resiliency in our pockets to draw upon the next time life feels challenging.” I say this not to undercut the tough time you’re going through. I just say it because I hope you can give yourself a break and see all of your strength and beauty and love and courage. Keep running and being in your body. I’m cheering for you! You are so very brave. XO

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you Jessica. All the words I needed to hear from someone who has been by ,my side throughout this journey. I appreciate it, I appreciate you and I only wish you close by because I imagine we would have lots to chat about over coffee. I read your email and sighed with relief because I felt understood and sometimes I need someone to say I am doing fine and that it’s ok that it is so hard for me. Hope that you are being kind to yourself and resting as you say you feel more tired lately. Sometimes it’s our body’s way of telling us to slow down. Thank you my friend for reaching across the miles and ‘getting me’

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Yes life is hard and especially when you feel lonely and alone with very little support. Please remember though that you are not alone. You are loved and supported by those of us who read your posts and connect with you in every way.

    Liked by 1 person

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