I have recently started counselling again and the last session churned up so much pain, anger, fear and sadness from the past that I felt at times that I would be consumed by all the ‘difficult to feel’ feelings. At the end of the session, I was left with an image of a woman diving deep into an ocean to reclaim parts of herself. Each time she dives, she has to face all the darkness and horrors of the ocean, she comes up for air exhausted and drained, unable to breathe normally for a while and it takes some time to recover from the treacherous journey. But later she is able to look at that new piece that was recovered from the depths and shine it and turn it around in the light and then she can smile from deep within.
In the last session, I was so aware of my bodily reactions and I saw my fists clenched, my stomach muscles clenched and my legs tightly closed. How telling of a little girl sexually abused by her father at five years old. The body never forgets and the body and mind are so aligned. I have few memories of the actual abuse and so these bodily reactions are as close as I have got to what actually happened to me. Of course my mind shutdown then as a self-protective mechanism and I realise that I do shut off mentally sometimes even know. I lose my train of thought and become confused and shut off and speechless.
It was a hard week and the pain was palpable and so strong for two whole days after the session. I panicked and felt choked and suffocated. It was too much for me. But then… I remembered.
I remembered that I have been in this painful place before. I have dived deep before and felt these feelings from deep inside and that I survived them before and that with my last counselling experience, I would feel the feelings and then be so much stronger after. It is a process and I have started this journey. This journey back, this journey to integration and wholeness. I was abused at five and kept it a secret from even myself for over thirty years so of course 18 months of counselling and diving is not going to cut it. It will take longer and I have to be gentle and take it all at my very own pace.
I could say a thousand positive affirmations to myself a thousand times a day for a thousand years but that would make only a superficial difference without diving into those depths, and learning how I have negated, belittled and doubted myself . How else could I learn how to start thinking of myself and speaking to myself in a loving way. How else would I be able to feel worthy and loveable and how else could I claim my space and feel a sense of real belonging on this earth.
So I am going diving tomorrow to get another piece of me