Indeed challenges never stop and it seems sometimes that every time you reach a place of comfort, the rug is violently tugged right from under your unsuspecting feet!
But something from deep within has changed as I realise that this is what I do best; rise to challenges and these emergency situations are what I am so used to. I have been hardwired to deal with these situations and I will deal with this one like all the others before. Well almost; because this time I am even more well-equipped, with all the life experience and inner resources that I can draw on.
Come September and I may be out of a job. This prospect fills me with deep fear, panic, anxiety and stress. I took an extended holiday in August to be with my son over his school holidays and I feel that this may have jeopardised my position at work. Student numbers are down and they say they are unable to offer me another temporary contract so I will be on one of those notorious zero hours contracts and the work will be sporadic.
I had thought things were going well at the school and I was receiving good feedback from management so it gave me a false sense of security. The break with my son has also been fantastic and just when I thought I couldn’t love him anymore, I find that my love has grown and we have spent quality time together. I don’t regret taking these days as we both needed a break.
The harsh voices within try to assert themselves telling me that it was wrong and indulgent to take such a long break. They try hard to re-confirm old messages of me not being worthy and deserving of such luxuries.
But I have moved on from those harsh inner criticisms (my internalised parents)! I deserved this break and this just means that I will be forced to look for a more secure and even better job. I was feeling that the job wasn’t challenging enough and starting to dread Mondays.
If I turn the angle of the camera, I see this as an opportunity. I have more flexibility now and it means I could freelance for different schools or even apply for something completely different. Jobs, relationships, money and life are all dynamic constantly changing, shifting, melting and we keep moving forward fearlessly not knowing what the future may hold but believing that the universe will be there to catch us when we fall like it has done so many times before.
It’s so easy to give in to the fear and I did last night when I lay awake wondering about how I would pay the rent and all the other expenses without the support of a husband. But, I will not give into the fear and will walk forward along this unclear hazy path as I have done so many time before.
It’s been six months and I feel settled in London, I am happy to be here, my son is thriving and I have achieved so much in this small space of time. It’s been a huge transition and I have managed it beautifully and gracefully so I deserve a lot of credit. I stumble and fall but I keep getting up and most importantly I am moving forward authentically. I am true to myself in my relationships and keeping the boundaries with my ex-husband and forming new connections by making myself vulnerable and taking risks all the time. I have found a great counsellor and though the challenges are persistent both from the past and the present the fire within me rages on and on.
This is yet another risk and it will be ok. I have me to look after me. If you are facing challenges right now, may you find the self-belief to trust that you will find a way through and that you will be looked after by something bigger than yourself just because you are you!