I am trying desperately to find my centre, that place of peace and stillness and serenity amidst everything that is going on.
I will be jobless by the end the week and my ex is staying with me. These are very emotionally triggering situations for me. He didn’t have a place to stay as his lease ran out and his new accommodation only become available tomorrow. It’s been four nights so far that he has stayed with me and tonight is his last night.
Last night I came home from work and felt ill with worry, stress and grief. The tears fell continuously, unrestrained and I woke up feeling dread. I have taken the fact that my current workplace have not renewed my temporary contract as a sign of deep rejection even though the situation is the same for five other teachers. The harsh voices within step in to remind me that if I was better or good enough, they would have kept me on. I have taken it all very personally and that’s why it’s hard for me to go into work every morning as I feel rejected before I walk into the front door. I feel not enough.
Despite everything that happened between me and my ex, he needed a place to stay and I wanted to help him and make him feel cared for. I know what it is to feel unwanted. Who gives shelter to their abusive ex. Well I do. That’s what I do.
He has been helpful and kind but he still wants to get back together and he has tried to convince me how he things will be different this time. How he will look after me and how he will not hurt me physically ever again. A part of me, yes, a small part of me wants to believe him and wants to just be looked after and not to have to do all the hard things alone. My mind and body is torn in two.
In short, I am off-centre and I feel very sad and almost lost; trying to find my way back to the strong me.My stomach a well of swirling emotions, something scraping away inside me, deep inside. Like a knife cutting me from deep within. Touching a deep hurt place.I have felt this pain before.
I will find my way back, slowly, for now I feel the feelings and try to move forward. This too shall pass.