Off-centre

sorrow

I am trying desperately to find my centre, that place of peace and stillness and serenity amidst everything that is going on.

I will be jobless by the end the week and my ex is staying with me. These are very  emotionally triggering situations for me. He didn’t have a place to stay as his lease ran out and his new accommodation only become available tomorrow. It’s been four nights so far that he has stayed with me and tonight is his last night.

Last night I came home from work and felt ill with worry, stress and grief. The tears fell continuously, unrestrained and I woke up feeling dread. I have taken the fact that my current workplace have not renewed my temporary contract as a sign of deep rejection even though the situation is the same for five other teachers. The harsh voices within step in to remind me that if I was better or good enough, they would have kept me on. I have taken it all very personally and that’s why it’s hard for me to go into work every morning as I feel rejected before I walk into the front door. I feel not enough.

Despite everything that happened between me and my ex, he needed a place to stay and I wanted to help him and make him feel cared for. I know what it is to feel unwanted.  Who gives shelter to their abusive ex. Well I do. That’s what I do.

He has been helpful and kind but he still wants to get back together and he has tried to convince me how he things will be different this time. How he will look after me and how he will not hurt me physically ever again. A part of me, yes, a small part of me wants to believe him and wants to just be looked after and not to have to do all the hard things alone. My mind and body is torn in two.

In short, I am off-centre and I feel very sad and almost lost; trying to find my way back to the strong me.My stomach a well of swirling emotions, something scraping away inside me, deep inside. Like a knife cutting me from deep within. Touching a deep hurt place.I have felt this pain before.

I will find my way back, slowly, for now I feel the feelings and try to move forward. This too shall pass.

heart

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8 thoughts on “Off-centre

  1. Though you are helping him, hearing him plead for togetherness must be very straining adding to an already stressful situation, that of seeking employment. After tomorrow maybe the stress level and pain will be relieved a bit.
    You can do this, you will.
    Of course you would feel rejected even if the mind tells you different. But feelings are not facts. We must question this inner critic all the time. When in pain I find that job much harder, just about impossible. So let me remind you, YOU ARE A GREAT AND VALUABLE TEACHER!…and friend, blogger, mother, daughter, sister, and leader among us…

    Liked by 3 people

    • Yes feelings are not facts indeed and I can do it! Thank you for that beautiful reminder. It was hard listening to his pleas because he was consistent and persistent with them and that part of me that wants to take care of others at the expense of myself kicked in as well as the part of me that feels she cant do it alone. Thank you my beautiful friend!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Finding your center is not easy to do. I am curious and I hope you don’t mind me asking a couple of questions that might help you.
    1) Have you found your center before?
    2) What would finding your center look like?
    3) What has helped you in the past to find your center?
    I hope me asking the above questions is helpful to you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Gertie for your kind and thought provoking words. Your questions made me think, made me envision what I want for me and what that central place feels like and looks like. It is a place where I don’t question myself constantly and where I trust myself and where I have patience and trust in my ability to be ok and find my ok.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I have to admit, my jaw dropped open when I read this because just today, in therapy, we were talking about that need to take care of others and how that ties in to not feeling good enough. Taking care of others meant keeping the secrets at the expense of my own well being. I would take care of my mother and feel lost and cut off from myself. I would hate her but instead I’d turn it on to myself and hate myself. Somehow that was better than feeling rejected. It’s so complicated I can barely get my own head around it all. But I do know that rejection, caring for others and self care are confusing and are huge triggers.

    Your life has so much rawness and vulnerability now, don’t you think? Your move. Being closer in proximity to family and your ex. New school for your son. New job. Job ending. New flat. Every one of those things is enough to make you dizzy. Did I tell you when we left California after eight years and moved back to the east coast I felt so lost and off balanced and uncentered — I was physically dizzy for three months from anxiety because I was closer to my mother and the monster. All I can tell you is that everything you’re feeling makes sense, just reading everything makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up but I do know that you’re in there inside of yourself. You are. Trust your inner voice and your inner light. it’s okay to feel everything you’re feeling but you are safe, you are a grown up. You get to keep trying to find your way and to find yourself and you get to get lost. But please be good to yourself, don’t criticize or judge, be your best advocate. Take care of yourself as you would that little girl inside of you. You’re worth it. You are good. You are good. You are good. I’m just going to keep telling you that and hope that it helps. You’re working so hard and you’re being brave. There’s no right path, just your path. That’s it. Sending love to you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you thank you. When I first read your response it brought tears to my ears. The complete acceptance that I felt from your words because yes i am so hard on myself and expect ‘perfection’ (whatever that is) in everything. I am so hard on myself for just being human and wanting and needing to be taken care of and loved. Having my ex confused me deeply and I felt lost because he was saying the right things and it felt good to not feel so alone. There is no right path your words ring true and I do ‘get to get lost’ and make mistakes and stumble and fall even in the same places. I am human and a beautiful one at that. Thank you!!! I hope that you are being gentle with the beautiful YOU and that you are healing well from your fall. Thinking of you. I just signed up for a 13km run in October and i have only ever run 5km but I am job hunting at the moment and I figured it would be a great goal to set my mind to. I have only a few weeks to prepare but I’m going to try.Sending you loads of love from sunny London 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • I’m glad it helped. I never know — but I always have such a visceral reaction to your posts. I think I relate so deeply in my own ways I find that I’m often telling you things I try to tell myself or that I’d want to have whispered into my own ear. I believe in you and my goodness, your move and transition is still so new! And now you have another one. Huge big deals, right?! I’m excited for your race! How cool are you?! I’m fond of the Galloway method for adding volume and running miles — if that helps. It’s a run/walk system. I’m improving. My balance is still an issue. My eyes still seem off too but I was able to walk for 3 minutes on the treadmill at physical therapy Friday without falling over. How very humbling! So go do some running for me!! Enjoy. ❤️

        Liked by 1 person

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