Run Tellingheavysecrets Run!

maya-angelou-quotes-31

I feel so invigorated and alive. Running does that for me. It’s really warm today and after dropping my son off at school I took a run in the local park. I had my earphones plugged into my ear and I did six laps. That doesn’t amount to more than about 3km as its a small area that I covered but what a feeling I got! I am alive, I am healthy and I am in my body!

I felt mindful of my breathing and all my worries dissipated. Now I get it! Now I know why so many people love running. It is tough and I am not the fastest runner but I when I run I forget my self-consciousness and I am just there, in the moment.

Yes, I am not working yet and I am still applying for jobs but because I am not working it means I get to run every morning, I get to feel this exhilarated. I get to apply for jobs that I really love. I get to reinvent myself. I get to to take a blank page and draw what I envisage for my future.

Running keeps the fear at bay. It keeps me moving forward.

I find that I have insights while I run and remember things that people have said to me in the past. Now that my ex has moved out (but still messaging me about getting back together) and I have some clarity and perspective, I remember that when I met my ex for the very first time in 16 years ago. There was a wise woman who I worked with, I liked her. Maria was her name and we got on really well. She tried to mother me. I was alone in London and my ex was pleading then for us to move in together. I was very unsure but afraid to listen to my inner voice.

Wise Maria told me to be cautious, to wait and take it slow and to not give in to his pressure. She told me about people who needed to jump into the fire to learn and yes I jumped. I didn’t take her word and stay away. There were other friends who warned me about him. He was too much too soon and he cut his face to prove to me that he loved me. I told him it was impossible that he could fall in love after a few weeks and he hurt himself to show me his love.

He was wounded and so was I. Two adults from abusive homes who were drawn to each others wounds and brought out the worst in each other. But we clung on and shut the whole world out.

I had to jump into the fire and make my own path. I didn’t learn that trust, patience and faith that children get from being valued and loved unconditionally. I saw a chance to be loved and jumped head first into the fire.

When he is close, I lose all perspective and clarity. Our wounds meet and we become two children again. I feel so different now that I have had a few days with no contact. I have registered for a 13km run in October and I am making fun plans for the weekend.

May you run and run and reinvent yourself over and over whenever the need arises!!

 

 

 

Advertisements

11 thoughts on “Run Tellingheavysecrets Run!

  1. Since seeing a therapist I’ve been more diligent taking better care of myself and that includes daily walking. Doing that for myself when before I’d let a few days slip makes me feel so much better in all ways not just physically. It is such a great feeling.
    I hear you roar warrior woman!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I love the optimistic tone of this post! I’m glad that running is a form of mindfulness and gives you energy. That’s so valuable.

    When you wrote about jumping into things with your husband because he promised you a love you wanted so much, I had a big aha moment about my own decision to be in a long-term relationship with Miguel. I had only thought before that his constant criticism was reminiscent of my stepdad, but I hadn’t really thought about what it was that actively attracted me.

    Be well, and keep running!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much 🙂
      Yes it took me a while to realise that the hole within me that should have been filled with the unconditional love and protection from my primary caregivers at such a formative age, leads me to accept scraps and crumbs in relationships. That the ache for love is so powerful that it can lead me to dangerous places. Have you heard Clarissa Pinkola Estes’s audio story ‘Warming the stone child” She talks about this very thing, how unmothered children are so desperate for love that they get into bad relationships despite being intelligent, creative and independent women. Its worth a listen.

      Like

  3. I feel this way whenever I am apart from my husband. He was unfaithful and I have not left him but every time I get this feeling after being apart, I wonder why. I totally understand what you mean when you say these words below…this was me too.

    “I had to jump into the fire and make my own path. I didn’t learn that trust, patience and faith that children get from being valued and loved unconditionally. I saw a chance to be loved and jumped head first into the fire.”

    That last line especially…to this day…I just want to be loved.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I can also relate to jumping into unhealthy relationships to fill that hole, and being so badly hurt that after a few times I wasn’t willing to risk ANY relationship again. I just don’t seem to be able to recognise a good person to get into a relationship with or have the skills to negotiate getting what I want in a healthy way. Abuse vs crushing loneliness – it’s hard to get beyond seeing those as the only options.

    Liked by 1 person

    • it is extremely hard and I relate deeply to your struggle. My ex shows me time and time again who he is, yet, in my most vulnerable moments I feel pulled in again. And yes I am searching for that middle ground, that healthy relationship. You and I both of us, deserve that happy medium between abuse and loneliness and I believe that we shouldn’t give up, that we should keep moving forward with hope. Sending you warm healing thoughts 🙂

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s