I feel so invigorated and alive. Running does that for me. It’s really warm today and after dropping my son off at school I took a run in the local park. I had my earphones plugged into my ear and I did six laps. That doesn’t amount to more than about 3km as its a small area that I covered but what a feeling I got! I am alive, I am healthy and I am in my body!
I felt mindful of my breathing and all my worries dissipated. Now I get it! Now I know why so many people love running. It is tough and I am not the fastest runner but I when I run I forget my self-consciousness and I am just there, in the moment.
Yes, I am not working yet and I am still applying for jobs but because I am not working it means I get to run every morning, I get to feel this exhilarated. I get to apply for jobs that I really love. I get to reinvent myself. I get to to take a blank page and draw what I envisage for my future.
Running keeps the fear at bay. It keeps me moving forward.
I find that I have insights while I run and remember things that people have said to me in the past. Now that my ex has moved out (but still messaging me about getting back together) and I have some clarity and perspective, I remember that when I met my ex for the very first time in 16 years ago. There was a wise woman who I worked with, I liked her. Maria was her name and we got on really well. She tried to mother me. I was alone in London and my ex was pleading then for us to move in together. I was very unsure but afraid to listen to my inner voice.
Wise Maria told me to be cautious, to wait and take it slow and to not give in to his pressure. She told me about people who needed to jump into the fire to learn and yes I jumped. I didn’t take her word and stay away. There were other friends who warned me about him. He was too much too soon and he cut his face to prove to me that he loved me. I told him it was impossible that he could fall in love after a few weeks and he hurt himself to show me his love.
He was wounded and so was I. Two adults from abusive homes who were drawn to each others wounds and brought out the worst in each other. But we clung on and shut the whole world out.
I had to jump into the fire and make my own path. I didn’t learn that trust, patience and faith that children get from being valued and loved unconditionally. I saw a chance to be loved and jumped head first into the fire.
When he is close, I lose all perspective and clarity. Our wounds meet and we become two children again. I feel so different now that I have had a few days with no contact. I have registered for a 13km run in October and I am making fun plans for the weekend.
May you run and run and reinvent yourself over and over whenever the need arises!!