A quiet birthday in

happ-birthday

I don’t usually make a big deal about my birthday. Haven’t done so in a long time and so today was no different. My son wasn’t feeling well this morning and stayed home from school. We stayed in had a delicious lunch of grilled chicken from the take away round the corner and then he insisted on a birthday cake with candles. He sang and blew out the candles.

The news that I wasn’t successful at the interview on Monday came as quite a blow. I tend to take these things personally. It is disheartening but I am busy applying again. Life rushes forward and waits for nobody. Woke up feeling a lot of hurt. I dreamt about my ‘father’, that just hearing his voice created so much fear in me and in my dream I was holding tightly onto my son.

I don’t want to lose my sparkle, my magic, my hope but things feel pretty rough right now. my therapist did say that the fact that I am inhabiting my body more will create very strong feelings. Yes the feelings are strong and raw and I am taking life an hour at a time.

It would have been great to have got that job, to have the support that I need, and to have an ex I could lean on and maybe someone who did really love me the way I needed, to have family in my life that I could depend on. But I know I need to accept life as it is and not as it should be. This is my life.

Sorry that I cant muster up any positivity today. I hope you are doing better than I.

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14 thoughts on “A quiet birthday in

  1. You get to be wherever you are and you get to feel however you feel. I’m learning that our emotions are limitless and that for years I tried to keep the range of my emotions in a very small and manageable scope. Feeling bad doesn’t mean we are bad and feeling good doesn’t mean we’re good. We get to feel however we feel. Period. No judgements or critical voices allowed! And good for you for being able to write a post about feeling vulnerable. Very brave and real. Sending love.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Happy birthday! It just showed up on my list today. Birthdays I have mixed feelings about because I feel like I need to be happy and be something and it gives me anxiety to think that people want to celebrate and I need to feel something that I may not feel. I usually put on a brave face to make my daughter happy and this past birthday we did just what you did ! And it was better that way. It was not stressful and I just stayed in and let myself be which sounds like what you did.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. hello. i get your blog

    i have m.e. as a child i was bullied badly then i was abused sexually .like YOU I AM ALIVE

    my blog http;//mark-kent.webs.com

    reply if you would like too…mark

    ________________________________

    Liked by 1 person

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