I don’t usually make a big deal about my birthday. Haven’t done so in a long time and so today was no different. My son wasn’t feeling well this morning and stayed home from school. We stayed in had a delicious lunch of grilled chicken from the take away round the corner and then he insisted on a birthday cake with candles. He sang and blew out the candles.
The news that I wasn’t successful at the interview on Monday came as quite a blow. I tend to take these things personally. It is disheartening but I am busy applying again. Life rushes forward and waits for nobody. Woke up feeling a lot of hurt. I dreamt about my ‘father’, that just hearing his voice created so much fear in me and in my dream I was holding tightly onto my son.
I don’t want to lose my sparkle, my magic, my hope but things feel pretty rough right now. my therapist did say that the fact that I am inhabiting my body more will create very strong feelings. Yes the feelings are strong and raw and I am taking life an hour at a time.
It would have been great to have got that job, to have the support that I need, and to have an ex I could lean on and maybe someone who did really love me the way I needed, to have family in my life that I could depend on. But I know I need to accept life as it is and not as it should be. This is my life.
Sorry that I cant muster up any positivity today. I hope you are doing better than I.