I said no to crumbs

priority

I have had a crush on a guy for the longest time and I’ve written about it here several times. He was an ex-colleague of mine and when I moved back to London we got in touch. We went out a few times and decided to start a romantic relationship. It’s been the weirdest romantic relationship because it lacks any kind of romance. He is very articulate, kind and caring but also 12 years younger than me.

From the start it has been me initiating everything, sending emails and messages. His communication has been mainly in response to mine and because of his personal circumstances ( he cares full time for his dad who is disabled) he can only see me every three weeks. I admire that he is such a good son and I agreed that although it’s less than ideal, that we would try it out and see.

But I have been feeling more and more resentful and dissatisfied because he he doesn’t even call me or message me spontaneously. He also said he doesn’t see himself marrying me because of my age and the fact that he wants to have lots of children.

He also told me that he was interested in me because I am interested and that it was easier for him to start with someone who is interested. How romantic right? I want someone to be interested in me ‘for me’.Anyway, not even a call on my birthday and I have to wait until he can fill me in. I have had these niggling doubts come up and finally I expressed them.

 I told him yesterday that I couldn’t do it anymore because I felt that even if it was going to be a short term relationship, it didn’t feel like his heart was in it. Well he messaged to say it wasn’t working for him also and that when he was free he would prefer to talk about it face to face. I don’t think there is anything to discuss really. Its not working and his heart is not in it and never has been because he told me a long time ago that he saw me as a sister and then changed his mind when we really got to know each other.

I am tired of accepting crumbs just to be loved. Doing so much and getting so little back. Investing greatly to get a bit of affection.

So no crumbs thank you! Inside the little me is so scared of not getting any love ever, that it was the wrong thing to do, but I reassure her saying that she will be fine. That we deserve more and that it will come. Until then she has me!

I am not sure how I will get over this one as I have liked him and pinned my hopes on him for the longest time; but I know that I am proud of myself for saying no to something that wasn’t enough. Something I have not done before.

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