My counsellor today said something that made me smile deeply. She said that she felt she was in the presence of a very empowered woman. She said that when I talked that she felt the strength in my words and a sense of inner acceptance.
I feel it too; the beginnings of acceptance of what was and burgeoning self-worth. Yes I do deserve kindness and warmth and effort and love. I am starting to ask for help when I need it. I asked my aunt and another mum to babysit my child. I am looking into family mediation to help me in dealing with my ex. Although, since I have mentioned mediation, he is being more co-operative, I don’t trust him at all as I do believe he will turn nasty again when he is angry or jealous. He plays the victim or aggressor with religious regularity and I don’t want to wait for his next tantrum. Mediation is going to cost an arm and a leg but it will be worth every penny.
I asserted myself this week by sending an email to my uncle. A man I believe and know to be just. I told him why I don’t speak to my parents and it was cathartic to write that email. I received a warm reply but I am so physically and emotionally independent of him that whatever happens happens. My self-worth is still intact.
I asserted myself at work by accepting an offer from another school who are willing to give me more than a zero hours contract (not quite full time but better than currently). My resilience builds and builds.
And since I am on such a role. I asked a man I have strong feelings for to tell me exactly what he feels now and whether there was a future for us or not. I think I know the answer already because I have been going on about this one over and over. I gave voice to my feelings, doubts and thoughts because they are important. If they are not received well it’s not my issue but his. I deserve to have a say whether or not people are receptive to it.
I am looking after myself like you are supposed to, the way you should learn to at a young age in a home filled with unconditional love and regard. What happened hasn’t broken me, rather it has made me.