I used to feel that when good things happened to me, it was by some universal accident and that the happiness would be snatched away just as quickly. All because I didn’t deserve it and was somehow unworthy of it. It is only now that I am challenging this self-belief and many other inner harsh voices that rip and tear and scratch hard from the inside.
This week has been a good one for me. I’ve started running again, I passed the first stage of a job interview, I went on a date and felt quite relaxed about it. And yes I deserve it. I am worthy of it and it won’t be taken away. Bad days and things might happen but not because I deserve them or am being punished for being me.
That inner harshness runs so deep and so insidious; like an invisible force that tears down whatever stands. Where does the harshness come from? It comes from feeling so unsafe in the world as an abused child. It comes from taking on all the badness and shame; from swallowing all the evil around.
I have been drawing a lot lately and my child-like sketches in crayons are the drawings of a little girl. They are the drawings I would have done had I received the care I needed after being sexually abused. I do them now and in so doing connect deeply with the little girl in me who was never given a voice but who I visualise now bathing in a bright yellow light; her arms outstretched and a deep smile etched upon her face.
In my therapy session, she felt free and safe to use her voice. So I say to her, yes you are safe, you are fine, I am here and I am looking after you. I hear you, I see you, I will not leave you. You are not alone, you are good. All that badness and shame is not yours, push it away. Yes push it away and place it where it belongs, with the perpetrators.
I visualise me as a little girl, bathed in warm light with my grandmother near. I am safe. I am loved. I am carefree and I can play. I am a ballerina with my beautiful ballet pumps. I twirl and twirl and my heart sings. I am good.