Monsters hide in the day too

pain-and-sorrow

There are few things more insidious than childhood sexual abuse. As a child you suffer the violence and cruel violation of your boundaries. You swallow the shame and protect the abuser by your silence. You have no choice, your abuser is your father. You are powerless and helpless and speaking up and out amounts to death and abandonment so you keep it all hidden deep inside. You suppress the memories and you bury all your needs and desires so deep it’s hard to know where to find them. Then as an adult, you can’t hold it down any longer, the truth fights and fights to be set free because truth always needs light. You start to face the truth and unearth it all. But the family will not hear it. It’s too disturbing. You start to doubt yourself again and feel small and bad and ugly as family member after family member shine the spotlight of scrutiny; not on the abuser your father, but on you the victim.

I was honest with my youngest brother. Told him I love him dearly but that it was difficult for me to connect with the family as they were not acknowledging what happened. What my father did and how hard it has been for me.

He showed the message to my mother who showed it to the abuser. The abuser sent me a message today. I woke up to see his name emblazoned on my phone screen. He said that I had called him a liar and evil but that as God was his witness he had not ย abused me and that him and my mother missed me terribly. He wanted to send plane tickets for me and my son to go and sit with all the family and get to the truth.

I felt scared and small and silenced and ugly all over again today. My brother then said I was punishing my mother who is so stressed about the ‘situation’ and she says that she wants to be dead sometimes.

Do they care that I have wanted to be dead over and over. That I was five years old and didn’t have the words to describe what was being done to me so covertly in the most twisted and evil way in the name of love from my abuser. Do they care that ย being abused damaged my ability to self-love and self-care. That it made me feel responsible for the needs of everyone else. That it silenced me so that I walked around covering my face. That the coping mechanisms I used to survive it, stifled me and prevented me from making connections because I was so used to hiding and being who I was not. Believing that to be me was too wild, crazy, too passionate and full of feeling. That even know at 41 it is so hard for me to look after my own needs without feeling a constant niggling sense of badness.

I feel so angry at the audacity of him. They know me, they know I am not a liar, they know my character yet they band together like an army of darkness and the monster of the abuser shines in the day. He shines as he uses indignation to fight his case and now he can use my mother’s illness too. How generous of him to offer plane tickets and how ungrateful for me to say ‘shove it up your dirty ass’! How terribly un-daughter-like of me to watch my mother suffer and punish her cruelly by not coming to her rescue and saying oh I forgive you, I made it all up. The details were not clear and I am just blaming him for my own failed marriage and life they think.

The monster hides in broad daylight surrounded by the people he financially supports and my mum who he has kept down all his life so much so that she has no opinion of her own and has to show him everything! How big he looks and how wretched I am, the accuser, the punisher, the merciless victim of rape at five years old. How terrible of me to be abused and then have the nerve to tell my truth and want to hold onto it.

The far reaching claws of abuse grabbed me today as I woke up, filling me with toxic thoughts and self-doubt. But I breathe in love and compassion for me; over and over. I stood up to the bully who was my ex and I can stand up to the monster too and all his manipulations.

I sent him a message in reply and then blocked him, my mother and my brother. I don’t need to be dragged down over and over. It’s not good for me to be in touch with any of them. I need to look after me.

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26 thoughts on “Monsters hide in the day too

  1. You showed much strength, power, and bold love for the truth! You are fighting for purity and truth while they are dying in their own stink of lies. Your heart is coming alive while theirs is being consumed by their own selfishness. This fight that we are in is difficult and painful but it is right. I am so glad that you see your value and worth and had the courage to cut them off.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I hate waking up and remembering. I woke up today remembering what my family did. How they acted like they were somehow victims and I was somehow making their life hard by speaking the truth. They are pathetic and your family is equally as pathetic becasue of what they did to you.
    I am so sorry to read their response and that they have no accountability and their blame and just minimizing. Awful. Absolutely awful. I am so sorry you experienced them. You deserved so much better. I”m glad they are blocked. I Hope they can never taint the truth again with their lies and I Hope they cannot affect you with their lies. Ok i didn’t write this very eloquently but hopefully it makes sense.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. The yearning for ‘family.’ The hope that one will step up. The loss, over and over and again. How does a heart bear it?

    Your are Father in name only. Please do not contact me again unless it is to beg forgiveness for your horrific crimes.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. You are brave and strong. Try to have as little or no contact with them if at all possible. Family in cases like this are as bad as the abuser. Why they need to support the abuser is anybody’s guess – maybe they are scared of him? You don’t need to be scared anymore, that is the most important thing. You know you are not lying and you don’t need to convince anyone else. One day you will see justice.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you, was really happy to read your comment ๐Ÿ™‚ and hear from you again. You are so right, I am realising now that no contact is best for me. Its hard when I am divorced and feel so alone sometimes, but no company is better than toxic company.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I know it’s easy for me to say, and perhaps not as easy to do. Heaven knows I’ve been in the same boat as you for many of the things you are experiencing. But how about slowly building up a new network of trusted friends and ‘family’ so that you don’t feel so alone. It’s not good to be alone, we all need love and support. I wish that for you in 2017.

        Liked by 2 people

  5. How many times should you have to suffer? First the abuse itself, then the many years of psychological pain from the abuse, then again the lies from your family as you tell the truth in your efforts to heal. It’s so unfair.

    I’m very sorry that your brother and mom don’t have the courage to believe what you say. And I admire your courage in cutting them off. It’s a difficult decision to make, but it’s made in the name of loving yourself–that’s so important!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you for your support. I did want to ask you something if I may. I have been diagnosed with a pelvic prolapse and I think it’s quite far gone. I wish I had done sth about it when I first noticed it (but I was too embarrassed and afraid to be examined) but my doctor has referred me to a gynae today. I know that you went through a similar experience and I wanted to know how the op and recovery were for you?

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      • Like you, I didn’t mention it to the doctor for quite a while. In part, I had no idea what that was; I’d never even heard of it.

        Anyway, first you should know that there are treatments besides surgery, and depending on what the gynecologist finds about how bad it is and what part(s) of your vagina are affected, you could have a range of options. If you decide to go with surgery, as I did, know that it’s a big deal. Not a big deal as in you shouldn’t do it, but a big deal in that it’s a much longer recovery than I expected (and again, this will vary with what exactly they need to do). I wrote about this in a number of posts you might want to read later, but right now it’s probably enough to know that if you decide on surgery, you should also plan on taking off work as long as possible. I went back at five weeks and could not manage more than a few days at a time. It took me two months to work full time. My cousin just told me that several of her friends who had hysterectomies (and note, not everyone has a hysterectomy to deal with this), all of those friends were off work for two months.

        It wasn’t easy. I’m glad now that I did it, however. It’s a year later, and my external scars are barely visible. My energy is getting back to normal (but I know that process was delayed a lot by depression.)

        After your visit to the specialist, write back again, or write me directly at laquemadasola@gmail.com, and we can correspond more about this.

        Be calm (as best you can) and ask a ton of questions. I’m thinking of you!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you so much for your words. I knew you would be the right person to ask. I wouldn’t want to have a hysterectomy just a pelvic repair surgery but yes I will keep in touch, thanks for your email, really appreciate it ๐Ÿ™‚
        It was so hard to have that examination by the doctor, I felt very tearful after. I’ve just started dating again and this has really knocked my confidence as I feel so self-conscious about having sex. Have to wait six weeks for the gynae appointment. Thanks again for your warmth. Will read the posts you wrote about it.

        Liked by 1 person

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