Invincible essence

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Things aren’t the easiest at the moment, yet something deep within keeps me moving forward. Something I can’t see or hold; defying shape and form, but strong and invincible like a range of rocky mountains.

Going to work everyday, teaching my classes, connecting with people. I keep going in spite of it all. That invincible and unshakeable thing is my  permanent essence. It’s taken so long to find it, more than thirty if we want to talk figures here.

I discovered her buried deep; hidden and hiding under layer after layer of terror, anger, pain, sadness, abandonment and emptiness. I touched the warmth of the fire that burns and burns while all  around me things collapse and rebuild, collapse and rebuild with the regularity of a baby’s, warm, soft breath caressing my face.

I had a job then I didn’t. I discovered dating won’t cover the emptiness, but rather that it shines its glaring spotlights on all the empty places. My counselling sessions have delved so deep, they have left me running for cover. My ex has been sending scathing texts, maligning my character and calling me the worst and ugliest of things.

Yet still I keep moving forward. I keep going. Doing some things differently and some still the same old way. Small shifts, twists and changes nudge old icebergs and cause seismic shifts in my psyche.

Slowly, slowly I meet the different parts of me. My inner critics, defenders, children and parents. I work with them, holding them all, accepting and embracing. The only way to get to where I want to be is to hold myself, all of myself and walk with my wholeness.

The courage to heal, the courage to leave the past behind and make space for the new wonders that are eager to come in. The door is wide open, welcome.

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