In my last counselling session we talked about the good girl I carry around with me. The part of me that wants to be pleasing, affable and agreeable. The part of me that wants to be praised and fit and doesn’t want to stand out or attract too much attention to herself. The tidy girl with tightly plaited hair with the red ribbons and the smile. The part that wants to be the good everything even the good client in my therapy sessions. Agreeing all the time and never being ‘difficult’.
When I first started my counselling journey I fought against her and viewed her with what amounted to almost disdain. Yet I see the good girl within me differently now. Underneath that smile is the very real and desperate need to be loved. Indeed, all of the ways in which I twisted and moulded myself were efforts to protect myself and get the love and attention wherever I could.
So I look upon her with kindness and acceptance now. She is part of me just like every other part that I am learning to embrace. Fighting her will not help my cause because essentially that would mean doing battle with me; a part of myself that grew out of the circumstances that were not created by me. I did what I could and still do.
I am tired of fighting me and harming me with all my self-criticism and self-rejection. Its time for me to welcome and embrace all the parts of me including the Good Girl. I am becoming stronger with a stronger sense of self, a core that is permanent and invincible, an essence that can embrace so much emotion, and so many parts of me. I allow the energy of the moment to come up and I feel it. It passes and releases some of the burden I’ve carried and the heavy secrets I’ve swallowed.
When it has passed, I am stronger and lighter and more whole. I am able to be more authentic and less self-conscious. When I love me fully and embrace me fully, then I can be fully engaged in the world and allow love in.