Who are you talking to?

In my session today, my counsellor made me aware of situations where things on the outside could be going directly to the little girl within. Times when the words I hear could be felt from a place of lack and hunger for acceptance and love. The adult me knows rationally and cognitively how I think about these things but there’s a separate place of vulnerability that feels and hears and sees things in a different way.

I appreciated the discovery of this as it makes understanding my behaviour in close relationships a little easier. Suffering from complex trauma compounds things, most of all relationships with those closest to us. My head can’t even get around many things, yet the fact that there are two sides to me. The fact that there may be two reactions to things, eases things for me. Helps me to understand the confusion and conflict within.

I am me, the adult who is a mother and teacher and friend, but I am also me, the little girl who is healing from abuse that was calculated, manipulative and destructive in countless uncountable ways.

I keep forging ahead, living, learning, processing and feeling my way through the darkest darkness at times.

So who are you talking to here? Is it me… the adult me or the little me.


14 thoughts on “Who are you talking to?

  1. I had my first experience with the “little me” (that I was aware of) a couple weeks ago and I wrote about it on my blog as well. I have such a hard time grasping the concept that I’ve likely operated and reacted on two levels my whole adult life. Complex trauma is so weird to me but the more I learn and open myself up to acceptance that this is what I’m dealing with I make so much more sense to myself. I wonder too sometimes who’s actually reacting right now? Irrational adult or scared for my life little girl? I had no idea I was so traumatized by what I have always been told was a “normal” upbringing. It was nothing but chaotic, frightening, and life changing. Abuse is horrible. Abuse was my normal. Now I’m trying to learn what normal is.

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  2. That sounds about right and it sounds like what i go through with the young part in me. I also work a lot with the young part in therapy, and I have learned so much about that part of me inside ….

    You NAILED it on the head when you said this: I am me, the adult who is a mother and teacher and friend, but I am also me, the little girl who is healing from abuse that was calculated, manipulative and destructive in countless uncountable ways”

    YES that is so true …. you are healing and allowing yourself to heal the little parts in you is so important and its healing …. it took me a long time to accept that I have a little part in me needing to heal.. now we do that work all the time in therapy …. thank you for sharing, its nice relating to someone else’s story … I also write about my therapy sessions as well … very similar to your story …. I connected with this writing.. thank you

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  3. I get you! My husband and I have spent years totally confused by my reactions.. or should I say over reactions to situations that didnt make any sense to the current situation. I didn’t even know why I reacted in these ways for a long time. It feels crazy when you don’t have memories to attach them to. I think it makes us also hide and not share our feelings very easily. We know something is wrong with us, but we don’t want others to think we are crazy. This causes isolation and shame. Understanding doesn’t change our reactions, but it certainly goes a long way in lifting the weight and shame of not understanding ourselves. I didn’t think of it in the way you described of us reacting as two people… with our adult selves and the child within. This is a very accurate depiction.

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    • yes it is extremely confusing and I get what you are saying about the shame and isolation. I too became so used to hiding my feelings or pretending that I was ok that it became almost second nature. It still surprises me now when I hear people openly and unashamedly talk about their bad feelings. For me its always been about stuffing them down so low đŸ˜Ļ
      Thank you for your insightful comments 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

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