Heartless or Heartful

IMG_3846

I woke up feeling so much sadness today. I dreamt of my mother. I was in a care home and she came to see me. How ironic really. My mum is unwell, she was diagnosed with lupus and has just done an MRI scan after blood tests revealed a possible neurological problem.

She is depressed and sad and hardly speaks. I hear this from family members who relay it to me in the hope that I do something. What can I do?

I haven’t spoken to my mother in more than two years. I have cut myself off from both my parents. I told my mother that my father sexually abused me and she said she doesn’t remember anything and she believes it didn’t happen. She has since messaged me talking about the weather and saying the same things she said before I dropped her with the bombshell.

I have chosen to look after myself and live my truth. She has chosen to continue pretending and since then her health has deteriorated. family members who know that I am not in touch with and avoid the ‘nasty’ subject of sexual abuse are trying to appeal to my humanity. Why am I so heartless, why do I punish her in this way?

The sadness sits in a place where I can’t ignore it. I feel it today in all its immensity. I just want to sit still and feel it.

Advertisements

8 thoughts on “Heartless or Heartful

  1. Im sorry 😦 – – – I lost my mom 2 years ago and I never got the chance to talk to her about the things I wanted to talk to her about. I kind of cut things off with her too when I moved down to GA with my husband for work 9 years ago … we tlaked through social media and we talked here and there, but not as much as before. She was sick my whole life, so i was used to her being in bed – – but she passed and I felt so bad for not talking to her about things before hand … now I dream of her a lot. I get it … im sorry for wha you go through around that … your not alone — thank you for sharing

    Liked by 3 people

    • Thanks for your support. A part of me worries that she might go without me being able to speak to her….to really speak to her as our relationship has always been about dealing with the surface and skirting around the issues that really mean something. I am sorry to hear that you have suffered so similarly but you are not alone 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you so much … and if you are looking to follow my blog, the follow button can be found on the READER of wordpress.. I am self hosted so the follow button is found on the reader … people have a hard time finding it 😦 one of the things I had about having a self hosted wordpress

        Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s