I woke up feeling so much sadness today. I dreamt of my mother. I was in a care home and she came to see me. How ironic really. My mum is unwell, she was diagnosed with lupus and has just done an MRI scan after blood tests revealed a possible neurological problem.
She is depressed and sad and hardly speaks. I hear this from family members who relay it to me in the hope that I do something. What can I do?
I haven’t spoken to my mother in more than two years. I have cut myself off from both my parents. I told my mother that my father sexually abused me and she said she doesn’t remember anything and she believes it didn’t happen. She has since messaged me talking about the weather and saying the same things she said before I dropped her with the bombshell.
I have chosen to look after myself and live my truth. She has chosen to continue pretending and since then her health has deteriorated. family members who know that I am not in touch with and avoid the ‘nasty’ subject of sexual abuse are trying to appeal to my humanity. Why am I so heartless, why do I punish her in this way?
The sadness sits in a place where I can’t ignore it. I feel it today in all its immensity. I just want to sit still and feel it.