Pausing….

…..and doing what’s best for me

Lately I’ve found myself pausing when confronted with choices. Little and big choices. I pause and think about how to respond. I reflect on how convenient it really is for me. On how the decision will affect me.

My aunt asked if she could come over next Friday. I told her it wasn’t a convenient day for me because it wasn’t. I didn’t spend hours after thinking about how I might have hurt her feelings. Being able to look after myself in simple and hard ways was not something I learned.

Before it would be a thoughtless reaction, almost a default that invariably put the other person first. I always feel obliged somehow to look after the other person’s feelings and forget mine as if somehow mine are less important and valid.

Something is shifting. Ever so subtly. Something deep within which creates that gap. That space. That pause when I consider myself. Is it the beginning of self-regard? It’s so hard to measure the progress of inner work. I’ve been going for counselling for a while now and it’s these small, subtle shifts that are equivalent to seismic faults to the part of me that wants something tangible to hold and examine.