There is a kind of tough resilience to me now. A feeling deep within that whatever happens, I will be ok. I’ve been to these places so many times before. What’s different now is that I am so much more better equipped. The last time I went through all this, I was isolated and alone and there is no possibility of that this time around. I kept all my feelings, fears and thoughts to myself before but this time around I am sharing and listening and watchful. I have a treasure chest of resources in the form of close friends who know my story and love me, self-awareness, a counsellor by my side and priceless self-love.
We were apart for three years and I beat myself up a lot about getting back with him at first but there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be loved and giving the father of your child another chance. It is mature of me to want to look at making things work again. To take responsibility for my part rather than assign all the blame to him. I embarked on it knowing that I had so much more self-awareness and wanted to see if things could be different.
My ex (not sure what to call him anymore) and I have been back together for over two months now. I have seen some welcome changes in him but it has also been very confusing for me. Old things have come up and new things too. The new things have made me wonder whether the changes I see are merely superficial.
He admitted to reading my diary while I was out with friends a few weeks ago and has shown the same traces of possessiveness and jealousy that were there before. He feels undermined by me when I disagree with him or challenge his parenting of our son. BUT there is something within me this time that refuses to make myself smaller to make him more comfortable and secure.
His insecurities are his own. I take the love when it’s given because I know now that I deserve every moment of it. When he is loving he is amazing and attentive and giving but I don’t forget. …. I don’t allow the snide remarks and I express my anger, sadness and hurt openly and freely each time. He says I am picking on him constantly but there was so much that I allowed last time around. I am vigilant and watchful over my boundaries.
Last night we had a row because I questioned him over comments he was making throughout the day. He didn’t like it so he left. I let him go. I didn’t run after him apologising and compensating. I stood in my space. I told him I needed space and this week I am taking the time to pause and reflect and see things clearly again.
I don’t need to do all the fixing and changing and appeasing. I have been working incredibly hard on my counselling and my inner work. It’s his turn now and I won’t do the work for him. I’m in control this time around and I won’t accept less than I deserve. It’s not the same. It’s not easy but whatever happens I AM HERE!