Bigger than the pain

I had a really good session yesterday with my counsellor. It was especially good I think because I’ve had a break while she was on holiday. My counsellor was deeply touched by the session too and had tears in her eyes.

It was good to walk into that space and see myself again. Yesterday of all days I needed that space. On Friday, I messaged my mother as I had a strong desire to reach out to her and I am glad I did. I reached out and honoured that part of me that still loves and needs her mother. It’s no surprise that I have been terribly conflicted over my relationship with her since I confronted her about the abuse and she said she doesn’t remember anything. I have stayed away and not been in contact with her.

So on Friday I sent her a message wishing her a Happy Eid (religious Muslim festival) and I also asked about her health as she has been unwell for some time. She sent a voice recorded message back and was happy to hear from me.

After sending the message I felt a deluge of sadness take over and I couldn’t stop crying. Crying for all the loss and pain both her and I have suffered. Our relationship is severed forever but that doesn’t change the fact that she is my mother and I love and care for her. I know she loves me but is incapable of facing the past and acknowledging my father as an abuser.

Today I felt some anger towards her when she sent another one of her banal messages that ignore everything important. She asked how I was and said to have a good week and that she loves me. I replied asking her if she really wanted to know how I was or if she wanted the polite response. Of course I know which one she wants. But I was making her aware that things have changed for me. I am living my truth and I am no longer the compliant voiceless little girl I had to be. I love her but will not be silenced.

She can’t be who I need her to be for me and she can’t be there for me the way I need her to be. Yet, in reaching out to her, I acknowledge an essential part of me. That humanity, that compassion, that spirit that was not dimmed by the sexual abuse I suffered.

I think it’s part of my acceptance of the past and my integration of what happened. It’s no longer so black and white. It seems that growing up my mum could do no wrong and then as I was processing the abuse, she became a monster and now I see her as the three dimensional figure she is. She is a flawed human being who failed her daughter and herself horribly. Despite this, I love her and want her to feel well again. I never stopped caring for her. I am bigger than the pain I endured. We all are.

 

 

sorrow

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13 thoughts on “Bigger than the pain

  1. This sounds to me like huge progress. When we finally let in the painful truth that others will never give us what we long for we are finally able to grieve the reality and that hurts. Some people would rather defend against it with anger. Accepting the painful truth in requires a lot of courage, heart and strength. ❤

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Thank you for writing this. I’m yoyo-ing around in a similar place and feeling such deep sadness today for very similar reasons.

    You are doing amazingly well with your healing and clearly have the ability to stay with “the grey” area more than I can.

    I wish you so much luck with your journey to healing, you are inspiring to me x

    Liked by 3 people

    • I’m sorry that you are in a similar place. It’s not an easy place to be. I like that you describe it as ‘the grey area’. That’s a very good way to describe it. I wish you luck too on your journey and may the sadness dissipate 🙂 I am glad that my post was of some help to you.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. You’ve captured it so well here, the combination of love and longing for your mother, and the sadness that she can’t/won’t be what you need her to be. You are wise to recognize that both can be true at the same time.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. you are so strong and so brave to share all this here. moms and the relationship us abuse survivors have with ours can be so complex. I’m sure she does know you love and care about her but I think it is good you were able to let her know you are not going to be silenced any longer. xxx

    Liked by 2 people

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