It’s taken so long for me to finally come to a place where I can accept my vulnerabilities.Vulnerabilities I call them; soft, tender places that hurt when touched even with the slightest brush of a fingertip.
Our experiences have shaped us just as much as our characters are innate. I will never be that girl to walk into a room and reveal myself without fear and insecurity. I won’t be the girl to take up the biggest space and make the loudest noise. There are people and places that will always trigger feelings of being unsafe and I may never feel safe enough to do and say what I want in big groups.
I accept that being sexually abused by my father at such a young age was complex and severe trauma. That suppressing such rage and pain has left me with many vulnerabilities. I used to do battle with myself when I didn’t live up to my own idealistic expectations. I wanted so much to show people the fire within in the loudest ways.
But there are quieter ways to be seen and heard. And the fire is there even if people don’t see it. It doesn’t come into existence only when seen by others. It just ‘is’. The most powerful way to make noise is by being oneself; fully and unapologetically. This authenticity draws people (the right ones) in a way that making the loudest noise could never. And whats wrong with being silent and quiet. It is no weakness. My shyness, self-consciousness and the safety I find in silence is ok. It’s ok that I hide and shy away from attention sometimes and that I crave it badly at other times. The contradictions and discrepancies are what make me human. The dark space between the aching separateness and the yearning to be included is where I stand.
I berated myself in countless ways for being so quiet, for not being able to express myself the way others seem to do so easily. But they haven’t walked the paths I have. I am not the same. The energy it takes to do the same things and the inner security is just not there. That inner security was shaken at such a deep level that I will always have to work very hard to nurture myself back to the centre when triggered and there are many triggers. It has made me feel responsible and guilty where I am not. The repercussions run deep and I am done fighting myself.
I accept. I accept. I accept. I have deep respect for me. I survived the worst kind of trauma and I have thrived in countless ways. I have swam against the tide and come out smiling and fighting and still filled with compassion and insight. So if I don’t make the loudest noise it’s ok. I finally let go, breathe and allow myself to be. Just as I am.
Accept yourself as you are. You don’t have to be anyone else. You are as you were intended to be, complete and whole, loveable and worthy. You are a stunning gem with many facets.