I woke up this morning to a world blanketed in snow. The cars and pathways looked like a baker in the sky had sprinkled icing sugar on everything, even the rubbish bins looked beautiful. The layer of snow muffled the everyday noises.
Weather likes this makes me turn inward. I found so much there today. So much anger, hurt and pain. I held it close and listened and let it be.
I’m hurting because I spoke to my aunt yesterday and I felt drawn into a conversation about my mum that I didn’t want to have. Your mum misses you she said. I become small and powerless again with family members. I step into those too-tight-shoes again and I am agreeable and amiable on the surface. Inside I am struggling and hurting, trying to get the words out. Words that don’t come out on time.
She asked if I missed my mum too. Of course I fucking miss her. I didn’t ask to be in the position where I have cut her out of my life and exchange ridiculous and banal messages with her about the bloody weather! I didn’t ask for any of it. Not the complex PTSD that I suffer from, not the constant triggers that I have to constantly manage. Not the raw pain that gnaws at my insides. Not the fact that it is so hard for me to trust and show myself and allow people in. No I didn’t choose any of it! But yet I deal with it daily, sometimes by the minute and my family choose to skirt around the issue, ignore it completely or just plain deny it! How fucking clueless and how angry it makes me.
Yet just below that anger, is such sadness and aloneness and below that pain and hurt and so on and so on as the layers are peeled back. I’m 42 yet around them I am a scared little girl again, eager to please and desperate to be pleasing.
So while the blanket of snow protects the world, I protect all the parts of me that need gentleness and love with the warmth of the fire from my essence, that courageous, spirited warrior. I won’t give up on me and you shouldn’t ever either. The courage it takes to try and heal from childhood sexual abuse is immense and we have it. All of us!
This feeling will pass as they all do, but for now, I honour and acknowledge it, hold it gently, see it, hear it, embrace it. accept it and love it with the gentleness and patience it deserves. I leave them to be clueless, I can’t control their ignorance nor compensate for it. I take responsibility for me and my beautiful inner child.