Sometimes it takes a while for those tears to flow. The anger, the fury, the indignation masks the deep pain below. It’s been a very painful few weeks after getting a brutal rejection of my truth from an uncle who I haven’t seen in ages. My truth of being sexually abused by my father at an age when I was too young to process what was going on let alone articulate such terrifying words. I fought to survive by dissassociating and burying the words along with all the other poisons that I was forced to swallow.
It’s ironic because in his letter he said that I should have handled my revelation and accusation more ‘delicately’. His letter was anything but delicate and left me ill. That rejection all over again, even more painful.
Today the tears finally flowed and I am able to finally touch the hurt places that I couldn’t even get to before. So much anger, pure rage and fierce fury came up first but today I reached a more tender place. I am glad I was able to. A very wise friend of mine told me that I would be fine, once the tears came. Patricia you were right. She told me that it was too much hurt to feel all at once or even within one lifetime and that it would happen a little at a time.
I am sad that I have been impatient with myself, and angry about being angry and not more loving to myself.
The worse thing I can do, any of us can do is to hurt ourselves the same way as we have been hurt. This is one of the most insidious effects of childhood sexual abuse. That we somehow on some level internalise the abuser and abuse ourselves by not giving ourselves the voice, the love, the self-care that we most need. We learn that we don’t deserve it somehow and in the absence of something different externally we believe it.
I want to spit it the hell out.! Spit that untruth out, as far as I can. That venom and poison. My feelings are valid and precious and I am doing amazing work, courageous work. I need me to be on my side more than I need anyone else on this earth. And so do you. So spit out that venom and take care of YOU 🙂