I am most beautiful in the most hurt places. I took the day off today because I needed to. Have been feeling so much anguish recently. If only we lived in a world where it’d be ok to phone in and say to your boss, ‘I can’t come in this morning because I have terrible period pains and am feeling physically and emotionally unwell’.
Change is hard for everyone and what bigger change than moving home. It’s the second time I’ve moved this year and hopefully this will be the last for a long time as it’s a move to our own place finally. For weeks we’ve been getting the place ready, we painted it and had wallpaper done in two rooms. We scrubbed and polished and now it looks quite beautiful. The unpacking still needs to be done but I am slowly finding a home for all our things.
It’s been so good to have this precious time, to write and draw and just be without the pressure of teaching. Work is so stressful this summer, so busy and crowded with little legroom let alone breathing space. Feels like sitting in an economy seat on an overbooked flight where the journey doesn’t end. I’ve been sharing a class with a particularly difficult woman who uses every opportunity to tell me how to do my job and I resent this.
I can deal with one challenge at a time quite well but when they all come together; moving home, stressful work and period pains it all feels too much and I know I need a rest. So that’s what I did today for me. The little girl in me has been struggling because I’ve been so focussed on getting through the days and pushing myself through and past the exhaustion. I have been off centre and swayed and pulled in by all the external things losing my footing. It feels like I lost my slippers and have been walking around barefoot on rocky ground.
Today I sat down with her and said all the things she needed to hear from me,
You are my beautiful angel, you are good. You haven’t done anything wrong. I am here for you. I am by your side. I hear you, I see you. I love you. You are part of me and I will never abandon you. You are part of me. We are going to be ok. You’v got me and I will look after you.
To my former harsh critic who is my current fierce inner protector (FIP)!
We are on the same team. We both want to protect the little one. Let’s work side by side. I need you. I need you to fiercely protect me and help me to be centred when people around are harsh and less than themselves. You are important to me. Now is the time to lift me up.
It’s been a day for bringing all those disparate parts together. To embrace the past, the now and the everything. I am slipping my feet back into those slippers. I make beauty out of hurt and am most beautiful in the most hurt places.