Have just returned from a trip to Athens where I was steeped in history and have been reflecting on the importance of the past in relation to the present and the future. What better time to do so than the moment you are standing with both feet firmly in a brand new year full of possibility and new starts.
All around us people talk about resolutions. Yet this is not a post about resolutions because I can’t say I believe in them or the need to bend, beat and shape ourselves into something that we believe is better. I believe in integrating what was before into now and what is yet to be.
I’ve been thinking about the fine balance that we need to strike between the three measures of time; how to learn from the past and take the best from it and still be faithful to the present and your vision of the future. It seems quite a lot even for a skilled juggler.
As much as I want to never forget the past and the trauma my inner child has suffered, I want to take responsibility too as I move forward. I don’t want to spend any more time blaming my father for all the bad that comes my way. It’s me in control now, at the wheel, directing and deciding. Yes, the past comes back to the present and the triggers paralyse me at times. But it is always temporary and it never defines me. It is just part of the story. The way I deal with the triggers has changed because I grab hold of the feelings that result from these triggers and I dive in and sit with them. Feeling them and listening to their wisdom. They diffuse and vanish and I am left unharmed.
My present is filled with many daily challenges in my relationship with my partner who was my ex. We struggle to balance the past and the present too. Parenting is a constant challenge and work is no different. Yet there are spaces where I can step back and be an observer of this dance of time and the familiar patterns that don’t serve me well. There are delicious moments where my soul is filled with creativity and lightness and I dance around the living room in complete abandon.
My future is filled with hope for full integration of all the parts of my psyche (both wounded and healthy) and visions of a woman confident and outspoken. Maybe forgiveness of my father too is somewhere in the distant horizon or maybe not.
Happy new year and here’s to us all finding that delicate balance between past, present and future. Here are some photos from Athens….