I’m supposed to be here

I need to keep reminding myself that the place, this very place and point in time, is where I was always meant to be. It’s not an accident.

My son has just started high school and it’s been an incredibly emotional journey for us both. He holds all his feelings in and then, in the way that children do, he lashes out in his safe place. I am his safe place. I have been the brunt of his anger and frustration. It’s been a lot to deal with.

I’ve been impressed with his resilience, he made it through his first week, he has even started making friends.

Yet still, he is holding onto so much fear with all the big changes. Leaving behind his primary school where he was so comfortable. Not seeing his close friends everyday. I have tried to be there emotionally but I have been feeling a lot of anxiety too. His feelings trigger feelings from my past and I am not always the adult I want to be in these situations. I am working from home online and though it has its advantages, trying to teach online has its own challenges. It’s harder to make that connection with students. One of my students had her camera off, so I was talking to a black screen and tried hard to connect with that voice that wasn’t always clear.

I had to speak up twice ; once about work to my director about something I was unhappy about and once at my son’s school. Speaking up is a real effort for me. It takes a lot of energy and I second guess myself and in the space between speaking up and waiting for the response I am filled with self-doubt.

There’s so much I want to do but it seems this anxiety feels so big some days.

I keep going, showing up for myself, by countering the inner critic, and for my son, by trying to be patient with him. Speaking up despite how alone I feel after I use my voice.

Nobody ever said this thing called life was going to be easy.

10 thoughts on “I’m supposed to be here

  1. Oh, it is not easy.
    Your son will be fine, though it may not feel that way. What he is going through is quite typical for all those at that age that merge into a new school and environment. Ours is called middle school. I believe you can rest your worries. He is not going through what you went through. He has not been traumatized in the treacherous ways you have. But it is your own feelings that might be basing his on.
    It is not OK for him to mistreat you no matter what he is going through. If you give the impression that everything will be alright, (fake it till you make it), and also show how much you believe that and in him, he will believe it too.
    But if he senses anxiety on your part too, well, I know it’s hard to hide, but instead, believe it. Believe he will be OK, because of course he will be. You have raised a fine son. I don’t know him, but I’ve learned over time about you, and that is how I know.
    Wow, speaking up! Great job. You are definitely not alone with that one. Once a voice is taken… well, for me it was stolen for life. It does take great courage to pave one’s path in life and not allow others to tread upon oneself. But your speaking up deserves a celebration. Time to make a cake for both you and your son! Great job, kudos!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you 😊 so much for your beautiful words of encouragement that soothe in all the right places. A warm balm to wrap myself in. It’s so easy for me to get so tangled up in myself that I don’t see the wood for the trees. My son is an emotionally intelligent child with so much empathy. He will make good friends and he will grow and thrive as he did when he had to move to a new school in another country. And yes I did speak up for him and myself. An important lesson for him. I do my very best. I have my bad days but I keep showing up. And yes boundaries are important even with my son. I was so badly treated but that doesn’t mean I can allow my son to hurt me even with his words. Thank you 🙏🏽

      Liked by 1 person

  2. You are truly beautiful. .. just reading all of this resonated so deeply with me… Life seems to be getting even tougher days and God how well I understand that battle with the inner critic.. you are doing so well really you deserve love and praise truly.. thank you for writing this. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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