I’m supposed to be here

I need to keep reminding myself that the place, this very place and point in time, is where I was always meant to be. It’s not an accident.

My son has just started high school and it’s been an incredibly emotional journey for us both. He holds all his feelings in and then, in the way that children do, he lashes out in his safe place. I am his safe place. I have been the brunt of his anger and frustration. It’s been a lot to deal with.

I’ve been impressed with his resilience, he made it through his first week, he has even started making friends.

Yet still, he is holding onto so much fear with all the big changes. Leaving behind his primary school where he was so comfortable. Not seeing his close friends everyday. I have tried to be there emotionally but I have been feeling a lot of anxiety too. His feelings trigger feelings from my past and I am not always the adult I want to be in these situations. I am working from home online and though it has its advantages, trying to teach online has its own challenges. It’s harder to make that connection with students. One of my students had her camera off, so I was talking to a black screen and tried hard to connect with that voice that wasn’t always clear.

I had to speak up twice ; once about work to my director about something I was unhappy about and once at my son’s school. Speaking up is a real effort for me. It takes a lot of energy and I second guess myself and in the space between speaking up and waiting for the response I am filled with self-doubt.

There’s so much I want to do but it seems this anxiety feels so big some days.

I keep going, showing up for myself, by countering the inner critic, and for my son, by trying to be patient with him. Speaking up despite how alone I feel after I use my voice.

Nobody ever said this thing called life was going to be easy.