“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” ― Maya Angelou
Lately I have been telling many untold stories
The heaviness of shame
I grew up believing that it was somehow wrong or weak to share personal stories. My childhood was one of repression. Strong feelings had to be held in tightly. I learnt how to become a compulsive people-pleaser. Always smiling, being polite and not wanting to inconvenience anyone with wild displays of emotion.
I buried things that should have been told and by doing this, swallowed all the hurt, anger, confusion and sadness that I felt. These feelings mutated over time and became shame. I carried this shame around with me for a long time like a second skin. It tainted my perspective, my thoughts, my social interactions and it led me into a very unhealthy co-dependent relationship with my husband.
The Trigger that shifted everything
But something changed very recently and this shift has unleashed a chain of events that has brought me to this point. My husband became physically abusive with me for the first time in our marriage.
I was able to see and touch the bruises from the physical aggression unlike the emotional abuse. They were something concrete that I could point to, they demonstrated how bad the relationship was; in a way that my own bad feelings and misgivings about the relationship couldn’t. I had always ignored the alarm bells that went off from the onset of the marriage but I was used to being that girl who holds it all in.
The world outside my marriage made me feel good about myself triggering an instinct that I had been ignoring for too long. I enrolled for a postgraduate course at university and was blossoming with the relationships I formed with fellow students. It was the first time in my marriage that I had friends other than my husband.
Inside the marriage, things were very different; conversations were so toxic that words had lost their meaning and it was like a perpetual battlefield.
It was at this very time that the universe intervened and created circumstances which made it impossible for my husband to stay. He had been unemployed for over three years and was so fed up that he decided to take his old job back abroad. So he left the family home.
The power of therapy
I didn’t waste any time. A week after he left, I found a psychodynamic counselor in my area and started counseling sessions. It was something that I knew deep down I had to do. I needed help to get the strength to leave. You might think that it would be a simple decision to leave a relationship that sapped the joy out of your life and left you drained both emotionally and physically. It wasn’t!
My therapy sessions at first looked at the damaging effects of my long marriage. It showed me how the domestic violence was only a fraction of the abuse I suffered. The emotional and verbal abuses that were stitched into the dysfunctional relationship from the start had even more profound and damaging effects to my self-esteem. Prolonged abuse causes a state of learned helplessness and that is why I was still so stuck and indecisive.
Through my therapy and extensive research I discovered more and more about the dynamics of abusive relationships. It was mind-blowing for me that the relationship I had always thought of as both unique and intense was in fact a replica of every other abusive relationship. It followed the typical stages of the cycles of abuse word for word. I recognized the honeymoon phase followed by the tension building, the acting out and then the resultant calm.
It was like I had been trapped in an orb that was hurtling through the years at top speed without even being aware of it. Through my counseling, I was able to start naming the feelings and identifying for example; that the anxiety that had made a home for itself in the pit of my stomach was ‘the walking on eggshells’ feeling. It was a feeling of fear mixed with anxiety in anticipation of his next verbal or physically abusive episode.
The therapy sessions then delved deeper into my past to explore why and how I had found such a controlling and manipulative man and why I had stayed so long and not been able to recognize the abuse.
Unravelling the past
Layer after sick layer was unwrapped to reveal that I was sexually abused as a very young girl by my own father. The memories were so painful and had occurred at an age where I could hardly verbalise what was happening to me. For this reason I buried them deep inside my psyche as a protective mechanism for my own survival.
Because they are what is known as preverbal memories, and have been stored in a very different way to other life experiences, I can remember only the reactions to the abuse and in other instances, the memories are so fragmented and seem almost dream-like. Even though I don’t remember everything, my body still remembers. My body is telling me that story now with dizziness, fatigue and nausea rather than words.
I had always had a sense that something was very different about me but I have never been able to fully and confidently name that sense of ‘something being amiss’. I used to wet the bed until I was almost 12 years. I have also always had problems with physical intimacy; I struggled with milestones that my peers had no problems with. I had also never understood why I never felt comfortable in my father’s presence. I blamed myself thinking that I must be very bad to feel repulsed by his ‘fatherly’ kisses on my cheek or hugs.
I have learnt that finding an abusive man was an inevitable stage of my journey as I was able to re-enact the abuse scenario psychologically. This is unfortunately so typical of adult survivors as they are able to maintain the victim status and continue being blamed and shamed by a controlling and manipulative partner. The combination of love and pain that is part of any abusive relationship was familiar to my unhealed inner child. Meeting a man like my husband was like ‘going home’.
The path that I am taking now is one where I am breaking free from the chains of abuse that have tied me subconsciously to destructive people and situations. I want to live and thrive and that instinct to heal is so magnificently strong. It’s a burning flame in all the darkness that tries to envelop me.
It is incredibly hard work, trying to change old habits and correct the cognitive distortions that were created by my trauma. I have to reprogramme my neural pathways to think, feel and act differently. For so long I believed and behaved as if I was bad and shameful; thinking that I was never good enough and keeping people at a safe distance always.
Some days I feel paralysed by heavy, dark feelings. These are my body memories. The body always remembers what the mind refuses to believe.
“Just when the caterpillar thought it was the end of the world, it became a butterfly.”
I have to catch myself every time I fall back into my smaller self because that is when I start feeling that I am inadequate or unloved or not enough. I remind my body in those moments that I am safe now, that I am not going to be hurt again and that I survived it!
I have contacted a family lawyer about a petition for a divorce and I keep working on that burning flame, allowing it to burn brighter and brighter to unclench the tightness. I want to live and make noise and laugh and cry loudly!
I am positive that I will emerge from my cocoon as a magnificent butterfly one day soon. I know that I have many struggles ahead; but for the first time I trust and love myself and believe in my ability to heal and rise above everything bad.
If you are on this journey or one similar, I send you the heat of my burning flame.
Oh good for you. So glad that you are speaking out and choosing not to be a victim anymore. Yes we do get caught in an orb hurtled into space. There is no control from where we sit, much of the time we don’t even realize it. You are turning into a beautiful butterfly indeed. Thank you for your voice. So glad you dropped by my blog. Keep spreading your wings. Meghan
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Thank you very much for your kind and encouraging comments!
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I have good reasons indeed to concur with Megan from Finding Hope’s Sunshine!
Having read many of your other posts and their comments, I have finally decided to comment here on your blog, which, in many ostensible ways, has been functioning not only as the sterling vehicle for validating your new-found internal fortitude, but also as the veritable chronicle of your existential renewal and late flowering. If I had to sum it all up in a word, then it would be “stoic”. As far as that which can be observed here on your blog, you are well on the path of re-envisioning your life for what it can truly become as the past shackles dissipate while the future unfolds with even more clarity and dignity.
By the way, there is a typo in your sentence “The path that I am taking now is one where I am breaking fee from the chains of abuse…” The word “fee” should have been “free”, which is indeed a very important word and state of being, especially for victims of domestic abuse and despotism.
To the author of tellingheavysecrets, I would like to wish you a gratifying journey towards greater personhood and autonomy.
Yours Sincerely,
SoundEagle
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Thank you for your reading my posts and so strongly validating my journey.
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You are very welcome! Please be informed that I have also made another comment at https://tellingheavysecrets.wordpress.com/2015/06/11/i-am-a-nomadic-soul-with-a-sufi-heart/comment-page-1/#comment-2093
Happy February to you soon!
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Thank you yes! Happy February to you too 🙂
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And thanks for pointing out the typo in my post I have corrected it 🙂
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Thank you very much. We all indeed are reinventing ourselves each day…and freedom is imperative.
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You are very welcome! 🙂
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Hard to like, but wanted to show my support. Well done for speaking out, well done for getting help. It’s a long journey, but worth it. Sometimes, just knowing others on WordPress, are going through the same thing can help. While I hate that others have been hurt too, it is an honour to follower the journey of others.
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Thank you for reading and commenting so kindly on my story! Yes, it has helped just talking about it on WordPress and having a voice finally!
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Wow….so familiar is your story. You are a spirited warrior, full of life! Reading your story touches me in a way that says,”keep going”. So many days I struggle with the place I have found myself…peeling back layers, and looking for that switch to activate the light that will cut through all the darkness.. Thank you for sharing your story💜
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Thank you for reading my story. Life is a struggle for me too! Through all the darkness, there is a little voice of hope and positivity that keeps me going. I pray that voice gets louder and bigger and I pray that you find healing and peace for you and your children.
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I am sorry that my story is familiar. Too many women have suffered this trauma ! But for the first time, after opening up and accepting the truth of my childhood and beyond, I feel better about myself and truly see myself as a warrior!
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Thank you for sharing the story of your journey. It helps readers to know that there is hope.
Yes, you are not the only one on the planet that goes through this stuff. Contrary to popular belief, sometimes men are the victims too.
May God bless and strengthen you on your journey.
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Thank you for reading my story! Yes you make an important point; that men go through this too. I am sorry for anyone male or female who has suffered in this way but as you say there is always hope!
I appreciate your blessings!
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You are amazing…
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Thank you, you are very kind! I do feel that the little girl who endured the sexual abuse and kept silence had amazing strength; since she is part of me I must have it too. It will take me many more years to integrate wholly and really know my worth. I do appreciate your supportive comments.Hugs to you
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I am stunned. You have a story that is so like my experience. I also left an emotionally abusive marriage, went into therapy, in therapy realized how much I had repressed or “disguised” the abuse I had experienced as a child. But then things kind of stopped for a while. I left the marriage with two young children and no job. I finished my degree and started working. One of my sons was moderately disabled and got worse over time, so attending to him dominated my life for the next 15 years or more. Only now have I restarted where I left off, beginning to deal with the abuse from so long ago. I’m kind of in the middle of the messiness right now and don’t feel as strong as you sound (though I recognize you also still struggle). It is very inspiring for me to know that someone else has a story like this and can tell it so intelligently and compassionately.
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I am sorry that you can relate to my story but I am glad that you feel less alone with your pain. I too have found strength and comfort from the people I have met through logging here.
My writing is often the strongest part of me expressing herself but there are times when I have bad moments where I struggle to find relief. Thank you for your kind comments and I hope to be supportive of you in your journey back to wholeness.
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Pingback: VERSATILE AWARD | Patricia J Grace
Thank you very much my friend. You continue to give me support and inspiration and today have made me feel special after a difficult two days! Sending you a huge hug!
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Pingback: An Award?!? | la quemada
Happy Mom’s Day wonderful Mom, and friend!
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Thank you!
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I have nominated you for the Dragon’s Loyalty Award! Thank you for being so encouraging and supportive! Bless you! Here are the details if you would like to participate: https://diaryofarecoveringcodependent.wordpress.com/2015/07/13/dragon-loyalty-award/
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You are a survivor and a warrior like the many of us. Please don’t ever give up. You DO deserve to smile inside first then out and scream that smile to the world!! I too am a survivor of Domestic Violence and Sexual abuse. You are not alone and there are many resources to help women and men(they are too) just like you and I. You kind lady, are a model of strength in the long courageous journey it is to get up, out, and away from the abusers and break the cycle. Reading this brought tears to my eyes for you and the so many others I know you are giving strength and hope to that need to hear these very words you typed at the right moment 🙂 Be well….keep trucking! many hugs and prayers for your growth & safety!
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Thank you kindly for your warm words! I am sorry that you struggle with the same. But yes we are not alone and we can heal.
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I can relate so much to your story too unfortunately. There are so many of us survivors, it’s such a shame that we have had to endure such pain..Although I never had an abusive marriage, I had 2 very abusive relationships. I also returned to the toxic environment I knew all too well from my toxic family of origin. Through all my dark days, hope has kept me going too! It is so important to believe in the hope that you will find more peace and love.Thanks so much for sharing! I will keep following your posts.
Sending hugs to all survivors and fighters on here! Keep moving forward, as even a little bit of progress can be huge!
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Thank you for following my blog and reading my posts. I believe that hope is very important and we should not despair. We are certainly not alone in this unfortunately.Hugs to you too!!!
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Pingback: 2nd Liebster award- So very grateful :-) | my child within
https://mychildwithin.wordpress.com/2015/10/20/2nd-liebster-award-so-very-grateful/
I have nominated you for a liebster award. ❤
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Thank you so much for the nomination.
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Hi! I found your blog and am following and glad I found your blog as you write about the same things I write about in my blog. I write about my healing thru past childhood sexual abuse. I blog about my therapy an healing and I love connecting with others who have been through some of the things I have been through.. I really look forward to reading more of your blog
Karen
http://www.findingthegracewithin.com
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Welcome to my family of warriors who are healing from past abuse, and I am glad you found me, I will have a look at your blog thank you.
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I’m so glad that I came across your blog on Debora’s reblog of one of your posts. Your writing is beautiful, and I can relate to your story.
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