As many of you know, Iast week I made the decision to tell a close family member that my father sexually abused me when I was five years old. I did it via an email.
It was an agonising wait and all kinds of thoughts raced around in my head.
Finally that same evening I received a reply which made me cry uncontrollably.
My brother was so sorry for what had happened. He said that I had nothing to feel ashamed about, that he was so proud to be my sister and that he would stand by me. He said he would most certainly protect my beautiful niece.
I am just relieved that my niece will be carefully watched now. I don’t care if my brother speaks/doesn’t speak to my mother and father about it. I told him that I wasn’t ready to confront either of them and that I just wanted to protect the little angel!
While it has brought relief, a flood of emotions has overtaken me in the past two days. I have tried to keep myself distracted, even had a cigarette ( I gave up smoking) because it’s all been too much for me.
I was so irritable with my son! (feel really bad), there was rage, sadness and then great anguish last night. I have been getting only about two hours of sleep at night and it’s the little things that seem overwhelming to me now. My son has also been behaving badly at school and I received an email about it which I took very personally. I feel like I am failing as a mother because he is so badly behaved sometimes.
Last night I felt a self-destructive anguish deep inside of me. It’s like I wanted to cut myself or pull my hair out from the roots. I have felt this before, it’s a feeling of restlessness; of not wanting to be in my skin. I tried to sit with this feeling in meditation but it was too overwhelming. It did pass eventually!
I felt almost suicidal. What an awful feeling. How awful childhood sexual abuse is!! To make you protect the perpetrator and want to hurt yourself. To need love and support but to isolate yourself and feel disconnected from everyone and everything. I need sleep.