I sent a message to my mother yesterday which a year ago would have been unthinkable for me.
I asked her about the abuse. I have distanced myself from her since I began counselling just over a year ago. She has kept in touch by sending me messages every week. I have not seen her in over two years and haven’t spoken to her on the phone for over a year now.
Yesterday I felt it was time to move things forward. I have not told her why I have distanced myself. At first it was because I confided in her about my husband’s physical abuse of me, and she told me to be patient. She wasn’t supportive of the divorce and just stopped talking to me about anything that really mattered. Her texts are always about superficial things and she will always ends the text with ‘I love you and miss you.’
In so many ways, I am speaking up about everything; I am blogging, going for counselling and have even talked to friends and my brother about the sexual abuse.
I have been avoiding confronting my mother and have found it easier to just reply to her superficial texts and shut her out, but yesterday I decided that the truth will set both of us free. Looking at recent pictures of her, I was saddened by how much she has aged and how unhappy she looks. She is suffering too with this dark secret. It is a burden on all of us.
My reaching out to her for an explanation is a chance for her redemption; a lifeline for her in my opinion. In my message, I explained that the reason I have distanced myself is that I am trying to process the past and that it has been very painful. It has been especially painful to try and understand her role in all of it. I asked her why she had never mentioned it or protected me from him. I asked if she thought I had forgotten about it because I was too little?
In the past, my mother has always blurted out everything that I tell her to my father. In my message I told her to leave him out of it and that I didn’t want anything to do with him. I told her that if she wanted to have an honest relationship with me, then she should reply.
Maybe she is not ready yet to have that conversation? She might ignore it or deny everything. Either way I know the truth and I am speaking my truth. I have made a choice to move away from the abusive people in my life and she has a choice too. She has the opportunity to build a new and honest relationship with me or she can continue in the illusion that she has clouded herself with.
My one condition to have a relationship with her is that she acknowledge the abuse. I know that she will never be able to undo it but I need to remain true to myself. My voice has become louder and stronger and will not be muted any longer. I want her to know why I have distanced myself. I am willing to move on but only if my suffering and hurt are acknowledged.
For too long my voice has been silenced and my feelings suppressed. I have worried about how she would take it. Will she be ok? Well I am tired of carrying a burden that doesn’t belong to me and I am tired of falseness.
It really is a pivotal moment in our relationship and I hope for the best!
I will need your support my fellow bloggers at this time and I want to thank Patricia especially for being there for me!!