For one beautiful moment!

For one beautiful moment I was a butterfly. I was light, carefree and unrestricted, and it felt so good!

Is that how it feels? Is that how it feels, to just be in the moment and enjoy others’ company. I forgot in that moment, I forgot that I was abused and that I am hypersensitive, and that I worry about my words and peoples’ responses. I forgot that I should be small and voiceless. I forgot.

Or maybe the old feelings and thoughts are not fast enough, not fast enough anymore to steal away my moments. My harsh critic and the shame I wore like a second skin were too late yesterday. They arrived after the moment. Too late I said, I’ve already had my beautiful moment and you missed it. Thank you for not being there.   Your absence was noted and much appreciated!!

So what was my beautiful moment?

Well I was in the staff recreation room at lunchtime; I usually have lunch at my desk, but yesterday a colleague asked if I would join her for lunch in the staff room. We walked in and were greeted by four other male colleagues who were already enjoying their lunch in the room. Normally that would be a huge cause for panic and the old feelings and thoughts would come out of their hiding places to make me feel self-conscious and uncomfortable.

But something else happened, I grabbed a chair and I filled the room of silence  with my laughter and questions. Soon the topic of conversation veered towards my upcoming skydive and the men started teasing about all the things that could go wrong. That would normally be another cue for the old feelings to march in with defensiveness and hyper-sensitivity. But instead, I laughed and didn’t mind the teasing which was all in good humour. In fact I knew everyone in the room were in awe of a woman who is skydiving to raise money for a children’s charity. They admitted that they weren’t brave enough to do it.

I was the centre of attention and didn’t mind it at all!

After lunch, I left the room without any bad feelings of remorse or shame. I flew out gracefully like a beautiful butterfly.

The old feelings and thoughts only came much later, late afternoon to flood my mind with untrue things. It was too late, I reminded them, because I had experienced and captured my beautiful moment already.