What lies beneath

IMG_6994

Underneath it all, all the jealousy, insecurity, feelings of isolation and exclusion, irritation, anger, rage, resentment, sadness, emotional pain is a little girl.

A little girl waiting to be rescued, desperate for a mother who will come to her, embrace her, who will hold her close and say it’s not her fault. A mother who with kind eyes and a warm smile will say that she is still good and blameless. That he is bad, that her father is perverted, twisted and sick.

She’s waiting for her mother to say sorry my child, I failed to protect you and keep you safe. I should have known, I should have prevented this. I could have and I didn’t and I am so so so sorry. I saw it and I did nothing to protect you. I was grossly negligent and a bad mother. He is a bad father but you my angel are good. Those are the words she is so thirsty for.

She is only five and has sores around her vagina, they don’t hurt because she is already so numb to it all. She doesn’t understand any of it. She is a little girl waiting again for her mother to look her in her little eyes, but the cold, hard angry eyes don’t look for hers as her mother cleans her. The hard eyes turn away and she believes her mother is angry with her. She believes then that she must be very very bad, that it’s all her fault, that she will be abandoned. She is damaged, defective, her essence is pure evil because her own mother won’t look at her and won’t say that it’s not her fault. She is waiting to be helped.

She waits and waits but no help comes and the world goes on. So she bottles it all up and swallows the hard, bitter pill. The help never comes and nobody rescues the little girl so she knows that she deserves it all. She will have to spend her life in shame now, in isolation, alienated, never getting too close to anyone, never fully trusting and always feeling shortchanged and miserable deep down. She is silent in big groups, awkward, alien, ugly, undeserving of love, attention and all the good things that people around her enjoy.

Her wounds run deep, they bleed and bleed and bleed from the open sores within and she puts a bandage of fantasy and denial to stop the red from leaking out for all to see. Everyone will see the red and will know how bad she is if she doesn’t. They will find out her secret and she will be sent far away and there will be nobody there At least if she keeps quiet and still, they won’t find out how bad she really is. She’ll pretend for now and she will become so good at pretending that everyone will believe that she is perfect, clever, so smiley, obliging and agreeable. She’ll pretend so hard that she will even forget herself what really happened, a deliberate kind of forgetting to maintain the delicate balance of illusion.

Until one day when the fantasy and denial can’t hold back the flood. Suddenly all the red wants to come out and it spills out. All the gooey, sticky, red, oozing liquid flows out non-stop. Little by little, sometimes it spills out gently and other times it gushes out.

She is not alone this time with the pain. I look after her now, she is not waiting anymore. I hold her close. I protect her. I tell her that she is good and blameless. I tell her story to help others who have been to the same dark places. I rip off the bandage of denial and fantasy piece by piece. In its place I use a soothing balm of lucid awareness, clarity, bold honesty, consciousness and the support of fellow warriors. I rub this powerful balm over all her wounds, filling all the darkest holes and corners. I uncover the sores and bring them into the light gently and lovingly.

You are safe now little girl. You can breathe again.

Advertisements

16 thoughts on “What lies beneath

  1. Beautiful little girl, I am so glad you now have someone who will hold you and protect you, someone who will see and acknowledge your pain and not deny it. You are of course blameless–how could such a small girl be otherwise? With this love and care you are getting now, you have so much authentic joy ahead of you.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you Jessica. I sobbed while writing it and I felt very vulnerable this morning waking up and realising that I placed a photograph of myself on the world wide web on my blog. the whole world sees here now and knows her story, my story. I feel very open and exposed, so different to what I have been doing all my life. I am sorry that you can see yourself in my story but thank you for being there always! Sending love to you!

      Liked by 1 person

      • I completely know and understand the wash of vulnerability when putting yourself out there. Up there. Visible. I relate to so much of what you say, I found myself feeling vulnerable for you because I imagined you’d have those feelings. I wanted to hug you and tell you not to feel that way. But it’s part of the process. The work. The recovery, right? Sometimes I resent it but then I know that resentment makes it worse so I try to just be open to it all. It’s so hard. This turtle-ing thing we do — sticking our heads out of the protective shells and then popping them back in for a while. You’re doing great. You are beautiful! I’m so happy to see you’re sweet little face! Love you!

        Liked by 1 person

      • I like the analogy of turtles! It’s so true. Thank you, your words touch my heart in all the right places! Yes it is part of the work, I could shy away from it or do the hard work and deal with the fallout after! Thanks for understanding!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. That little girl is beautiful and deserving of all the love and self-care you can give her.Such a vulnerable but healing post and don’t ever feel like you have to hide her again.She is free now and your courage and love will keep her safe.Thank you so much for sharing this. I am so sorry you and others were not protected. Much love

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s